


Play for Me the Ballads of Our Youth

by morganoconner



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Childhood Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Sibling Incest, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3066536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morganoconner/pseuds/morganoconner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a lot of ways Castiel's life could have gone, if things had been different. If his mother had lived, instead of leaving him with only her beloved piano and a few years of hazy memories. If his father had been the man he should have been, instead of becoming a grief-stricken, abusive alcoholic. If his eldest brother had stayed instead of abandoning his siblings to a house full of fear and sadness and pain.</p><p>But despite the hardships, Castiel always knew he'd be okay, because he had Gabriel. His big brother, who took the broken pieces of their lives and fit them back together like a puzzle. Gabriel, who gave Castiel the gift of music; who taught him to play and helped him believe in good things in the world. Gabriel, who would never leave him.</p><p>There are a lot of ways Castiel's life could have gone. But this is how it went, and he has no regrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Play for Me the Ballads of Our Youth

**Author's Note:**

> So, funny story. This story has been gathering dust in the catacombs of my hard drive for, no lie, three years. I don't know why, but it was always so hard for me to polish up. Somehow, despite the fact it was basically _done_ , I could just never handle the idea of posting it.
> 
> But, well. I've been feeling greatly nostalgic for my boys lately, and I had some inspiration to dig this out and finally put the finishing touches on it, and I figured it would be a pretty cool way to end the year. I don't even know if people still read this pairing much, but I hope so. I hope you enjoy this. I put a lot of my heart into it once upon a time, and it feels really good to finally be sharing it now.
> 
> WARNING! This story contains childhood abuse (mostly off-screen, but with lasting effects both physical and emotional). Please consider you own well-being before you read, if this is a trigger for you. <3

He rests his gnarled hands gently on the black and ivory keys, closing his eyes and savoring the feel of them beneath his fingertips. Age has made playing impossible, arthritis the downfall he'd always been warned about, but it hasn't stopped him from taking meticulous care of their beautiful grand piano. He dusts and cares for her more diligently than he does the entire rest of his home, and he pays once a year to have her tuned, so he can make sure she's always capable of producing the exquisite sounds she has made for so many years.

Her name is Belle, and she has been one of Castiel's dearest friends for most of his life.

The Mason & Hamlin Model A grand piano was passed down through his mother's family from the time of its purchase in 1929. Castiel sometimes believes he can remember sitting in her lap as a small child, letting her place his tiny hands on the keys as she hummed the notes to Beethoven and Bach and Tchaikovsky. Fleeting images, and likely nothing more than products of his imagination, but they've always been a comfort to him. His mother died when he was six years old, and for a long time after that, the piano stayed locked away, and he learned to never mention it or his mother where his father might hear.

He sighs now, because he doesn't want to think of his father. It took a long time for the bitterness and resentment to pass, but pass it did, and he's far too old now to dredge it up again for no reason.

No, what he really wants to think about is Belle. Belle, and the person who gave her back to him.

It's a struggle, that first press of the keys. It's been a long time since he allowed himself to give in to her siren call. Not being able to play is a hardship, but it's rarely worth the pain it brings to try these days.

But he needs it now. He needs her songs to soothe him, the ache in his body and his heart and his very soul. He's tired, so very tired, and he thinks the only thing that can give him any relief right now is the music.

So he presses down and those first notes fill the room, dancing in the air around him, leaving an echo in their wake that has never failed to make him smile. He doesn't even realize what he wants to play until he hears himself begin, and by then, it's too late to stop.

Tears fill his eyes, and he lets them come. The music sounds choppy and discordant to his ears, but it's all right, the notes alone are beautiful enough. Anyway, this is the song he's never been able to get just right. Always too slow, or too hesitant, or just too unwilling. It was _their_ song, his and Gabriel's, and to play it now, when his brother isn't around to hear…

_Sure I am._

He releases a breath, relaxes in an instant and only then realizes how tense he'd been. "Gabriel," he murmurs, his voice rough. He closes his eyes again, lets his arms go slack and his hands fall from the keys to land in his lap. "I've missed you."

_Right here, little brother. Just like always._

"It's not enough," Castiel tells the voice in his head. It could never be enough, because what could come close to compensating for the loss of Gabriel's bright laughter, his easy smile, the richness of his voice raised in song? His hands, warm on Castiel's shoulder and his lips…

_Stop it, you're making me blush._

Sometimes, Castiel can believe that he's really here, that the ever-present voice in his thoughts isn't only his own desperation, giving him something to cling to like a drowning man in a vast sea of loneliness.

_Why'd you stop, Cas? Keep playing!_

"We both know I can't." It hurts to admit it out loud. The last time Castiel truly saw Gabriel, the last time he took his hand and kissed his knuckles and held him as tightly as he could, he'd still been able to play. He'd still been able to play _well_ , not this mockery it has become.

_Course you can._

Castiel sighs. Never able to deny Gabriel anything, even now, he again rests his hands on the keys, lovingly strokes the ones that will begin their song again. With his eyes still closed, he can imagine Gabriel standing behind him, leaning over his shoulder, hands laid over Castiel's, guiding them where they need to go. It's a familiar position, one deeply ingrained in Castiel's memory, and so it's no surprise that Castiel can almost feel the soft, sweet slide of Gabriel's skin against his own, the breath against his ear when Gabriel whispers, _Play for me, Castiel._

And so Castiel plays.

~

**1984**

Castiel knew to hide when the yelling got very bad. Michael had made him promise to always run straight to his room and climb into bed and throw the covers over himself. Never lock the door, because Father might get angry at that, and always play music using his headphones if he could find them close to hand. He kept a walkman under his bed specifically for that purpose, but it was beginning to wear down, and he didn't know how many more times he had before he'd be forced to hear the curses and the chairs thrown and the slaps to his brothers' skin.

He shook, terrified at not knowing what was going on, if Michael and Gabriel were all right, but told himself that they were, they had to be, they _always_ were. Father would yell a lot, rail against the world and lament that his whole family was doomed to Hell, and then he would throw a few drunken punches, most of which would never even land, and then it would be over.

Later, when he'd passed out on the couch, Michael and Gabriel would slip in and reassure Castiel that he was safe and they were safe and it was all okay again. And he would believe them, because they were his big brothers and believing them was all he knew how to do.

It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last.

Castiel was nine years old, and he felt like he'd spent most of the last four years of his life hiding.

~

As he'd known would happen, the door opened some time later and a shadow slipped into the darkened room. His bed dipped as Gabriel sat on the edge, and Castiel's heart missed a beat. "Where's Michael?" he asked, as quietly as he could.

"He's gone, Cas," Gabriel told him, equally soft. "He left."

The words didn't make sense. Michael couldn't leave. Michael was all they had, Michael was oldest and biggest and strongest, and he would never walk out on Father no matter how much he hated him. He would never walk out on Gabriel and Castiel. He _couldn't_. "Will he be back?" Castiel's voice was very small now.

Gabriel's hand came up to drift through his hair, long enough that his fingers caught and tugged. Castiel winced, even before Gabriel said, "I don't think so, Cas."

"Oh…" Castiel sniffled, only spent a single moment trying to hide it before he couldn't take it anymore and he threw himself at his brother, clung to him desperately. "Don't leave, Gabriel," he sobbed into Gabriel's shirt. "Promise you won't leave." Mama left. Now Michael. Father…it was easier to think of him being gone, certainly the father Castiel had once loved was nowhere to be found. All he had left was Gabriel.

"Course not," Gabriel said, wrapping his arms around Castiel's trembling body. "Never, I promise."

Castiel whimpered and crawled as close to Gabriel as was physically possible.

"Shh," Gabriel soothed. "It'll be okay, little brother."

Castiel tried very hard to believe him.

~

**1987**

Even with Michael gone, the rules stayed the same for the next three years. Sometimes Father would come home from work, and he'd have that _look_. Gabriel's normally bright amber-colored eyes would darken and go flat, and he'd nod at Castiel to go to his room.

And Castiel would go, because there was nothing else he could do.

He eventually figured out that this was Gabriel's – and, in the past, Michael's – way of protecting him. He supposed some part of him had always known that, but as he got older, it became more obvious in ways his younger self hadn't really understood.

Part of him resented Gabriel for thinking he needed to be protected, and part of him was pathetically grateful. But mostly, he was just sad.

Gabriel was older than him by three years, and at fifteen, he was cocky and arrogant, with a wiry body capable of speed and agility if not the bulkier strength Michael had always relied on. Still, if he ever used those talents to his advantage, it certainly wasn't in the vicinity of their father. Nine times out of ten, when he came into Castiel's room later on those nights, he would be sporting all new bruises and cuts on top of the still-visible old ones.

For a long time, he'd tried to hide these from Castiel, but after Michael was gone and Gabriel began taking the full brunt of their father's rage, Castiel stopped letting him. Gabriel finally showed him how to clean and bandage the open wounds, how to put salve over the bruises, and Castiel did these things diligently, the only penance he could offer for what his brother suffered for him, and it really wasn't any kind of hardship.

And so for a while, their lives had a certain kind of order, messy though it was.

Things changed the day Gabriel found the key hidden away that led to their mother's study.

"Cas, come with me," he said one afternoon, while Castiel was sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework. "Got something to show you." He looked excited, bouncing on the balls of his feet, eyes glittering in a way that almost made Castiel back away slowly. He'd been subjected to his brother's antics a few times too many to trust a look like that.

"I have math to do, Gabriel," he tried, waving a hand at his open Algebra book. He'd been knocked a grade forward for math, too bored to continue at the normal seventh grade level, and his teacher hadn't had to push very hard when she'd first brought up the possibility.

Math made sense in a way his life very often didn't.

"C'mon, bro, seriously. You're gonna want to see this," Gabriel wheedled. He poked Castiel in the arm, and when Castiel turned to glare at him, darted a hand out to close the book. "Five minutes. Please?"

Castiel sighed. "Fine. But you know I have to finish before –"

"Yeah, yeah, he's working late tonight anyway, you'll have time, even if he does come home in a snit."

 _In a snit._ Gabriel certainly had a way of understating things.

Castiel stood from the table with one last longing look at his homework, and then he followed Gabriel through the house, past the living room, past the stairway leading to the bedrooms, down the hallway and past the dining room, and then he stopped, eyes widening as Gabriel turned down the short hallway at the back of that room, the hallway no one ever went down anymore, not since –

"No," Castiel said, darting forward and tugging at Gabriel's arm to stop him. "No, Gabriel, we _can't_ , you know he'll find out!" Castiel had only tried once, a few months after she'd gone, and it was the one time even Michael hadn't been able to protect him. Six years later, he still felt phantom aches from that beating.

"He won't," Gabriel promised, stubborn as always. "I found the key, and the whole room is basically soundproof. And it's only while he's gone anyway, and it's not like _he_ ever goes in there." His eyes caught and held Castiel's, his expression pleading. "Cas, don't you miss her? Don't you want to see?"

Castiel did. Of course he did, but… "You're sure he can't find out?"

Gabriel shifted, looking guilty. "Well, he hasn't in the last few weeks anyway."

Of course, Castiel should have known. Gabriel wouldn't take a chance like this without testing first. He rolled his eyes, acquiescing with a small nod that set his heart pounding.

"We'll be careful," Gabriel promised, and then he grinned and led the way down the short hallway to the back of the house, where their mother's study lay waiting.

From his pocket, Gabriel withdrew a small silver key, which he stroked a thumb over gently before he inserted it into the matching lock. He shot Castiel another excited look, and then the door swung open.

Castiel's heart stuttered in his chest, his breath catching as he took a stumbling step inside after Gabriel. It was exactly as he remembered, sunlight streaming in from the three big picture windows, and that meant Gabriel must have prepared it before leading him in here. The curtains had been closed as long as the room had, so even getting a peek in from the outside had been impossible.

Books lined one wall, collected in the wooden shelves their father had built in happier times. On the opposite wall was a beautiful hand-painted map of the world. _To daydream of all the places I mean to see_ , Castiel could just barely remember her telling him.

In the middle of the room sat the piano, his mother's most favorite thing in the whole world ( _after my boys_ , her warm voice filtered into his thoughts again). Castiel was like a boy possessed, the way he staggered closer, reaching out a hand to touch. He _had_ to, needed to feel the cool wood beneath his palms, needed the connection….

His hand pressed to smooth ebony, and like a jolt, he was transported into a past he could barely recall, sitting on his mother's knee as she laughed joyfully, listening to the sounds he produced on the piano's keyboard. _Like this, darling_ , she would say, showing him a simple pattern, helping him run through the easy scales.

"Oh," he breathed, sitting on the bench when his legs could no longer support him. Gabriel came up behind him, resting a hand on Castiel's shoulder and leaning forward until his chin was propped on top of Castiel's head. "So, come on. Tell me I'm awesome."

Castiel stared down at the keys, amazement and gratitude and love all rising up at once and flooding through him. "You're awesome," he managed to say, and if Gabriel heard the tears in his voice, he was wise enough to not mock Castiel for them.

"Course I am," Gabriel said, squeezing Castiel's shoulder once and stepping back. Castiel turned, saw him looking at the piano with a small smile quirking one side of his mouth, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. "I thought maybe we could make this a thing," he said with a shrug. His nervousness was belied by the way his shoulders were set, but Castiel didn't call him on it.

"What do you mean, a _thing_?" Castiel asked, eyeing his brother a little warily.

Another shrug. "Thought maybe I could teach you to play. Like she did. Like she was going to." He was staring at the ground now, but his eyes darted up to briefly catch Castiel's, and his smile quirked again. "If you wanted to learn."

Now that he was here, now that he had this again, there was nothing in the world he wanted more. To be able to play, to be able to remember her that way, would be amazing. But… "Do you actually know how to play?" he asked, doubtful.

Gabriel pouted at him. "I'll have you know I'm actually pretty good, thank you very much!"

Castiel blinked at him. It wasn't so much that he didn't believe Gabriel, it was just that it had been a very long time since their mother's lessons.

"I have this teacher at school," Gabriel finally admitted. "She's been teaching me during my study periods." He shrugged again. "She's using it as bribery to keep me turning my homework in. Teachers in high school are _evil_ , little brother, and don't ever let anyone tell you different. Anyway, I still remembered a lot of what Mom taught me even before that."

Castiel had been too young to really play anything but scales and some simpler songs when their mother was still alive. He'd always been happier listening to his mother play, or watching her and Gabriel play together the few times he could remember being allowed to witness it. Now, he looked back at the piano and swallowed. "We'll have to be very careful. If he finds out…"

"He won't." Another promise Gabriel couldn't necessarily keep, but with how much Castiel _wanted_ to believe it, he was having a hard time caring the way he should. "And the piano is yours anyway, Cas."

"What?" Castiel whipped back around to stare at Gabriel.

"Mom left it to you," Gabriel told him. "Well, to you and me, since Michael never cared about it like we did, but by default it's yours because I say so."

Trying to swallow around the thing that was blocking his throat, Castiel said, "Gabriel, you –"

"So, yes or no?" his brother cut in, flushing and looking away abruptly. "One time offer, going once, going twice…"

"Yes," Castiel said. _Please_. Gabriel ducked his head to hide his grin, but Castiel saw it anyway, and he decided it was the right answer to give, no matter how dangerous it would be. "Can we start now?"

~

They played for hours that day, until thoughts of homework and chores and their father were distant things that mattered very little. Gabriel smiled indulgently, checking and correcting Castiel's finger placement on the keys, talking him through chords and then scales.

It was amazing, Castiel thought, how quickly it all started to come back. It had been so long since he'd even seen a piano, but somehow, despite a few hesitant stops and starts, his fingers remembered where they were supposed to go, how they were supposed to play. What started out sounding choppy and unsure eventually began to flow more smoothly, the notes ringing in his ears and echoing through the room.

Gabriel asked if he wanted to stop and take a break after the first hour, but Castiel couldn't move. It was like the piano – Belle, he remembered his mother calling it – had woven a spell over him.

And so Gabriel sat next to him on the bench, and they played until the shrill beeping of Gabriel's watch alarm informed them of the time, and then it was a race to close everything up and leave the room as quickly as possible.

Castiel slid his hand over the piano in a gentle goodbye, whispering a promise that he'd be back soon.

"The next time Father works late…" he started, when they were safely seated back at the kitchen table and there was only maybe half an hour in which he would have the peace and quiet to get his homework completed.

Gabriel grinned, reaching over and ruffling his hair in the way that Castiel would swear up, down, and sideways he hated with a fiery passion (even though he didn't, not really). "Next time," Gabriel said, nodding firmly, "I'll start teaching you how to read the music."

The anticipation was like a dawning sun. Bright and merciless and wonderful.

~

"No, no, like this," Gabriel said, leaning over Gabriel and showing him which keys to aim for. "That's an E flat on the page, not whatever the heck key you were about to play." He winked to show Castiel he was teasing, but Castiel wasn't bothered anyway.

In the last month, they had managed to get several lessons in the times between school and their father coming home, and Castiel was impossibly grateful for every minute Gabriel spent with him here in this room.

His sudden passion for playing seemed to catch like a wildfire, and he didn't know how he'd ever gone so long without it. Now that he had this back, he didn't think he ever wanted to let go of it again. It was no wonder that Gabriel let himself be bribed for schoolwork, if he'd felt even a fraction of this before he found the key to the study. Gabriel had been old enough to _remember_ all those quiet days with their mother, old enough to easily recall all the time she spent teaching him to value the music the way she did.

And now he was using his own lessons – which he had been having for nearly two years now, he confided to Castiel – to teach his younger brother the same.

It meant more to Castiel than he knew how to say, but Gabriel wouldn't have wanted to hear it anyway.

"So what should I bring for next time?" Gabriel asked, when their time for the day began to grow short.

Castiel considered. He was getting better at reading the music now, and he was eager to try something besides the simple children's songs Gabriel had been using to teach him. He bit his lip and glanced at Gabriel, who raised an eyebrow. "Vivaldi," he finally replied, because that was what he remembered best. His favorite when he was a child, and the one she'd been teaching him when….

Gabriel nodded, uncapping a pen with his teeth and making a small note of it on the skin of his forearm.

~

It didn't bother Castiel very much that their piano was so out of tune. Their mother had taken perfect care of it, of course, but it hadn't been touched in a long time after that, and some of the notes weren't quite to where they should be. But the sounds it made, for as old as it was, were beautiful. Certainly better than whatever Gabriel's school had to offer, according to his brother.

When he dragged Castiel into the study the day after his thirteenth birthday, then, it was a surprise to hear that the somewhat tinny sounds he'd grown accustomed to had vanished. The notes that had once been just _slightly_ off-key were suddenly pitch-perfect, and he turned a wide-eyed gaze onto Gabriel.

Gabriel shrugged, grinning. "Happy birthday, bro," he said.

Castiel's heart swelled in his chest, and before Gabriel could demand he run through the scales, he shot out of the seat and wrapped his arms around him in the biggest hug he could manage. "Thank you," he whispered.

Gabriel hugged him back just as tightly and didn't reply.

~

**1989-1990**

Castiel wasn't sure how he felt about high school. He was the awkward kid who liked reading more than making friends, preferred classes over lunch, and spent more time in the music lab than anywhere else on the school grounds. He stayed after school almost every day, mostly to avoid going home earlier than necessary now that his father was on the night shift. Kids didn't talk to him because he was a freak, and he was always very careful to never bring unwanted attention his way from any of the teachers.

It wasn't that he thought his father should get away with the things he did – the things he'd done for years – to Gabriel. But Gabriel had made him promise a long time ago never to say anything, no matter what he heard from teachers or concerned parents or the television. Gabriel said he could take anything their father doled out, as long as he knew Castiel was safe. But if Castiel was removed from their father's care, Gabriel wouldn't be able to look out for him, and that would hurt worse than any bruise.

Castiel didn't like it, but he liked the idea of being separated from Gabriel far worse. And besides that, a promise was a promise, and he'd never broken one of his promises to his brothers, not in his entire life. He wouldn't start now.

So he kept to the back of classrooms and didn't go out of his way to make friends, and mostly it didn't seem all that different from middle school, except that the classwork was only slightly more difficult, and he got to see Gabriel between classes and at lunch.

Gabriel, a senior now, had a small group of friends. Kali, who terrified Castiel just on sheer principle, and Crowley, who looked like he was more suited to back alley drug deals than high school Chemistry. There was Balthazar, who was actually a distant cousin, and who was as slick and smooth as an oil spill…not someone Castiel had ever admired much, to be sure. And finally, there was Ash, the only one of the group who Castiel could really stand for any length of time outside of his brother's presence. An introverted tech-savvy super-genius who'd already been accepted to MIT, though God only knew how he'd passed the interview process. Probably drunk. Or stoned.

The point was, these were the people Gabriel spent time with on a semi-regular basis, and they had grown used to his tagalong little brother. Castiel had only spent the first week of school trying to make himself scarce before Gabriel had whacked him over the head for being an idiot.

So now, Castiel's lunches were spent in their midst, the only freshman in a group of renegade, outcast seniors, which he was sure did absolutely nothing good for whatever reputation he _did_ have. He didn't mind so much, though. It was far better than sitting alone would have been, and that was his only other option.

Today, though, Gabriel was sitting silent and brooding at the table, nibbling on the same french fry he'd been playing with for five minutes now, and not providing any of the usual banter that kept the others from bothering Castiel too much. Kali kept glancing at him, and then flipping her hair in an annoyed fashion and glaring at Castiel, like it was somehow his fault. Castiel was beginning to fear for his life, wondering if this lunch could get any worse, and then Crowley piped up with, "Oh, bloody hell, get over yourself already!" and it promptly did.

Castiel was ready to hide under the table even before his brother leaned over it and got right into Crowley's face. "What did you say to me?"

Crowley's voice, usually as cultured as his British accent suggested he should be, lowered to a growl. "I said, you bloody well better get over –"

"Stop it!" Castiel yelled, surprising himself and all those around him. His face flushed hotly, and he sank down a little in the seat, but he didn't back down from glaring, first at Crowley and then at Gabriel. "Just, stop it."

Gabriel, who knew damn well why Castiel didn't like people yelling, and yelling at him in particular, immediately looked repentant. He didn't even bother looking at Crowley as he stood up from the table and motioned for Castiel to follow him. With a sidelong glance at his untouched tray, Castiel grabbed his backpack and hurried after him.

The music lab was deserted right now, but Gabriel had earned himself a free pass to use the room whenever he wanted as long as it was empty, so Castiel wasn't too worried when he dropped his stuff on the closest desk and sat down, waiting for his brother to talk to him.

"Sorry," Gabriel said first, running a hand through his hair distractedly. "Didn't mean to let that freak you out."

Castiel shrugged. "People fight," he said quietly.

"Yeah," Gabriel said with a snort. "Me and Crowley, we can go at it like nobody's business, but I promise you, there's never any fists involved, okay?"

"Okay," Castiel said, and easy as that, he felt himself relax, then instantly felt ridiculous for letting it bother him at all. He shifted, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin. "So are you going to tell me what has you so tense and ready to bait your friends?"

"Might as well tell you sooner rather than later, I guess," Gabriel sighed, walking across the room and sitting on the edge of the piano bench. Castiel wondered if he was aware of how his hand drifted lazily over the worn, scarred wood of the studio piano. "I got a job, Cas."

Castiel's eyebrows scrunched. "You…what? What kind of job?"

"The kind Dad doesn't know about," he said. "The kind where I'm gonna be working nights at the old factory downtown. Just a few shifts a week, nothing major. It's just, if he ever comes home early –"

"I can cover for you," Castiel cut in immediately, though his heart was already beating alarmingly fast at the thought of it.

"I'm not worried about _that_ , you idiot." Gabriel rolled his eyes, the fond grin sliding out seemingly against his will before it vanished again like smoke. "I just. I worry, Cas. If I'm not around to watch out for you –"

"I'll be fine," Castiel promised, though he knew he couldn't really make any such guarantee, and he _was_ afraid, in spite of his willingness. "Only a few nights a week, right?"

Gabriel nodded, chewing on the side of his bottom lip. "Shift starts an hour after his, and I'll be home a few hours before he gets off. In theory. If he's not…."

 _Drunk. Angry. Paranoid._ "It will be fine, Gabriel," he assured again. "If this is something you need to do, I understand." He didn't, not entirely, but Gabriel didn't do much of anything these days without some kind of reason. Castiel trusted him, and that was all that mattered.

"Okay," Gabriel sighed. "Okay then, we'll try. But you tell me if _anything_ –"

"Of course," Castiel cut in, another promise, but this one at least he knew he could keep.

Gabriel nodded, and they were quiet for a long moment. And then Gabriel added, in an annoyed tone, "Do me a favor, and don't tell my friends."

Castiel wondered if it was something Gabriel has already discussed with them, and if so, what they could have said to make him so angry.

He didn't ask, and Gabriel didn't offer any more answers.

~

For a few months, everything was okay. Castiel's fifteenth birthday came and went with little fanfare, followed by Christmas, and then Gabriel's eighteenth, both of which received even less recognition. It took Castiel a few weeks to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep on the nights he knew Gabriel was gone, because he'd never been alone in the big house at night before, but eventually he grew accustomed to it.

The piano lessons stayed the same, at least, only now they were relegated to the nights opposite when Gabriel worked at the factory. Once their father left, they waited an hour to make sure he hadn't forgotten something, and then they slipped into the study and played until Castiel could no longer keep his eyes open.

On those nights, when he finally dropped off to sleep, he dreamt of the music Gabriel sometimes played for him, colorbursts of passion lighting the world that lived behind closed eyes.

There was only one unspoken rule Gabriel and Castiel had, and that was that one never visited the study without the other. So it was, of course, the one time Castiel broke this rule that everything went to hell.

It was a bad night. Castiel didn't have nightmares often, certainly not with the same frequency he once had as a small child, but sometimes they crept upon him and caught him unawares, and those were the nights when he would curl in on himself and tremble and bite down hard on his lip to stop the whimpers from escaping.

Every time this had happened in the past, Gabriel inevitably came to him, no matter how quiet he tried to be, and comforted him through it until he could fall asleep again, usually with the same softly hummed melody Castiel could remember their mother using to coax him to sleep so many years ago.

But Gabriel hadn't been here this time, and Castiel didn't know what else to do. So he'd gone to the study, and sat at the piano, and played snippets from the _Phantom of the Opera_ medley – a recent favorite of Gabriel's – until the shadows began to recede and the fear started to fade.

Their father hadn't had a bad night in weeks, and maybe that should have been warning enough. As it was, by the time Castiel realized his mistake, it was far too late.

~

There was an upside, Castiel told himself, in that Father was so focused on Castiel's _blasphemy_ that he never noticed Gabriel's absence. Castiel sat on his bed after it was over, one arm wrapped tightly around his legs as he rocked back and forth and told himself over and over again that he was all right, he was fine, it could have been so much worse.

He was, mostly, and it _could_ have, but that didn't take away from the physical pain, or the anguish of knowing that Belle had suffered for his carelessness. The long scar across the wood from the thrown vase was deep and angry-looking, and somehow, it pained Castiel more than any of the bruises marring his skin did. More even than the broken wrist he was cradling close to his body.

He didn't know what to do, so he sat there, hardly daring to even breathe, until he heard the front door click open, signaling Gabriel's arrival home. He wanted to wipe his face clean of the tear tracks and pretend that he was braver than he was, but the pain had gotten steadily worse, and the idea of moving that much was impossible. So all he could do was stare out the door until his brother came up the hall and caught sight of him. All he could do was watch as the confusion passed over Gabriel's face, followed quickly by fear, and then by an all-consuming rage.

Gabriel entered the room shaking, but his movements were sure as he closed the door and flipped on the light and ran his gaze over Castiel. "When?" he asked in a tightly controlled voice.

"Gabriel –"

" _When?_ "

Castiel closed his eyes, burying his face in his knees. "A few hours ago," he mumbled. "It was my fault, I was in –"

"Don't you _ever_ say that," Gabriel hissed, sounding so angry that Castiel's eyes flew open in shock. Gabriel's face was red, his hands clenched into fists. "The only person who's fault this is is _his_. And mine, for ever letting it happen. _Fuck_."

"No, Gabriel, you –"

"Don't," Gabriel said, holding up a hand. He took one fast breath, then released it slowly and took another, deeper one. He went to the closet and brought out Castiel's duffel. "Anything you can't live without, tell me now. I'll come back for the rest later."

Castiel sat frozen for a long moment, staring at the bag in his brother's hands. "What?" he asked dumbly.

"We're leaving."

~

Balthazar's house looked like it was straight out of a design magazine. There was no personality to it, only money to be seen in every fine painting, every marble surface, every gold-filigreed candleholder.

Castiel knew that the more distant branches of the family tree were filled with businessmen and high-profile lawyers and the like, people who had money to burn, but this was just absurd.

Still, it fit their cousin's personality to a tee, and Balthazar was being generous enough to let them stay here while his parents were away on business. Castiel was really in no position to complain.

He sat gingerly on the bed in the guest room he'd been given for the duration of their stay, ran a hand over the comforter and prayed he wouldn't find silk sheets beneath when he crawled in later.

It was late, or rather, very early. He should have been getting up for school in an hour, but after Balthazar's quick tour of the place when they'd arrived here from the hospital, Gabriel had led him up the stairs to this room and made him promise to get some sleep. He had some things he had to do, he'd said, and if Castiel needed anything, Balthazar was staying home as well to help him.

Castiel cradled his injured left hand against his chest, the cast stiff and uncomfortable and already itching like mad around the edges. He'd never had a broken bone before, but Gabriel had a couple of times, his arm and his ankle, and he always complained about the itching more than anything. Up until now, Castiel had always assumed he'd been exaggerating, but if he was already noticing it, even around the pain he could feel now that whatever he'd been given at the hospital was wearing off….

"Still awake, are we?" Balthazar's voice was impossible to miss as he came in and leaned against the doorjamb, slick British accent in deep tones that added years to his actual age. Castiel knew that he'd gone to boarding school in England until he'd been kicked out, but that was years ago, and he'd asked Gabriel once if Balthazar held on to the accent just to woo women. Gabriel hadn't been able to answer around his laughter.

Castiel looked up at Balthazar and sighed, shifting uncomfortably. "I'm not very tired," he mumbled, though it was a filthy lie. He was exhausted in every possible way, and probably a few ways that were _im_ possible. He'd never been so tired in his entire life. He just didn't think he'd be able to sleep.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow at him, a smirk dancing about his features. He tilted his head. "Come with me for a moment, I'd like to show you something."

Warily, Castiel got up and followed him, back down the stairs, through the gigantic monstrosity of a house, into a wide open den area. A large daybed took up one side of the room, and a complicated stereo system took up the other. In the middle was a beautiful baby grand piano.

"Technically, it belongs to my sister, Anna," Balthazar said. "But as she's away at school, and it certainly isn't doing anyone here any good, I thought perhaps you'd like to know it was here. At least for the duration of your stay."

Castiel swallowed at the unexpected kindness. Until this moment, his cousin had never given any indication that he saw Castiel as more than an unwanted pest, or a toy, perhaps, that Gabriel liked to play with now and again, but certainly no one useful or interesting. "I…thank you, Balthazar," he managed. "I doubt I'll be able to play anytime soon, and I don't know how long we…but, thank you."

Balthazar waved his thanks off. "It's hardly a grand gesture, but you're welcome, at any rate. The stereo is yours to use as well. Anna has a rather extensive collection of music. You're free to peruse it at your leisure." He yawned widely and glanced at his watch. "And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to bed. I may as well enjoy the unexpected day off, yes?" And with a wink, he was gone, presumably to his own opulent bedroom at the opposite end of the house.

Castiel released a shaky sigh and sat down carefully on the daybed – as soft and comfortable as the bed in his own room, which he could have guessed. He stared at the piano for a long moment, but felt no draw to get closer. It held no spark; like the rest of the house, there was no personality to it. It was a tool, or an ornament at best. There was no doubt that it would play beautifully, but it wasn't….

It wasn't Belle.

Figuring out the controls to the stereo system was simple enough – Castiel used the tape deck, too wary of the more expensive compact disc player to take a chance with it. But as promised, he found a large collection of classical music in the cabinet above, and when he sat back down on the daybed, it only took moments before he was falling asleep to his favorites of Beethoven, the Moonlight Sonata weaving around him a cocoon that felt like safety and oblivion.

~

When he woke up, he was back in the guest room, under the covers, warm and comfortable and rested. Curled up next to him was his brother, looking softer in sleep than he ever did while awake. Castiel stared at him for a long time, long enough that Gabriel stirred under the scrutiny, his butterscotch eyes opening to slits before he buried his face back in his pillow.

"Go 'way," he muttered, the words muffled and barely discernable.

Castiel smiled slowly, reaching over and poking Gabriel in the shoulder. "I believe this is _my_ room you've infringed on. So you should probably be the one to _go away_."

"Mph," was the very articulate response.

Castiel's sigh was soft and amused, and his brother didn't say a word when he nudged closer and let himself start to drift off again, resting his cheek against Gabriel's shoulder.

He felt Gabriel shift just enough that he could press a kiss into Castiel's hair. "Love you, Cas," Gabriel said, and then, "We're gonna get through this. I promise."

"I know," Castiel whispered back.

~

The next two weeks felt like a very strange dream. Castiel walked around in a daze, barely aware of his surroundings, exhausted and sore and, if he thought about any of it for too long, heartbroken. He missed his home, he missed the comfort of a well-established routine, and, in his more depressing moments, he missed his mother more than he had in nearly the decade since her death. More than anything, he missed his beloved piano.

He didn't ask questions about what was going to happen now, and Gabriel didn't offer any answers. In fact, they rarely spoke at all, Castiel too lost in his own head, and Gabriel too busy with…whatever it was he was doing.

At night, before bed, sometimes they would meet by unspoken agreement in the den, and Gabriel would play Anna's piano for Castiel until he fell asleep. Gabriel was still working at the factory, more nights now than he had been, and even Castiel couldn't help but notice it was beginning to take a toll. He didn't know the last time Gabriel had gotten a full night of sleep, and he didn't know what he could do or say to make things better.

And then, on a bright, unseasonably warm afternoon in late March, Gabriel found him on the back deck pretending to work on homework. His thumbs were hooked in the pockets of his jeans, and he was grinning the grin Castiel hadn't seen in what felt like forever when he said, "Hey, Cas. Wanna go apartment hunting?"

~

It took another several weeks – until just after Castiel's cast finally came off – before they found a suitable place that Gabriel could afford, between the money he'd been saving and his regular paycheck. Castiel asked him only once, very quietly, if he'd known something like this was going to happen, and Gabriel had hunched his shoulders and pretended he hadn't heard.

Castiel let him get away with it, because Castiel understood.

The apartment they finally chose together was nice, if much smaller than they were used to. But they didn't need much, and the apartment had two small bedrooms and a full kitchen and bathroom, and even a nice little living area with space for a television if they could afford one.

Gabriel looked guilty every time he caught Castiel's eye for the entire day after he signed the lease, and it took Castiel a lot of wheedling to finally get him to admit why.

"I'm just…sorry, Cas," Gabriel said, looking away. "That there isn't enough room."

There was no need to ask for clarification. Castiel gaped at his brother for a long moment, and then smacked him soundly upside the head for being a moron. "I have you," he said, and didn't add, _that's all I really care about_ , because surely it was obvious by now anyway.

If he was very lucky, Belle would still be there someday, when they had the space for her. And if not, if his father destroyed her in a fit of rage, or sold her for liquor money, well…yes, it would be awful, and yes, Castiel would be heartbroken all over again.

But he would still have Gabriel. And as long as that was true, nothing could really be all that bad.

Gabriel stared at him for a long time, until Castiel couldn't take that look in his eyes for a second longer and he was forced to pull him in for a forceful hug. "You're an idiot," he mumbled into Gabriel's shoulder. "But I love you anyway."

~

It was only because Castiel pressed the issue that Gabriel stuck with school long enough to graduate. He was ready to drop out, had a meeting planned with the principal and everything, but Castiel wouldn't let him. He pleaded long and hard with his brother to finish those last few months, and now, watching Gabriel saunter across the stage to accept his diploma with a smirk to the principal and a beaming smile to his friends, Castiel was glad that he did.

Gabriel deserved this.

It wasn't as though either of them had ever _really_ had the chance to be normal kids, but this one thing, this last truly defined moment of adolescence, was something they shouldn't have to miss out on. Gabriel had worked hard to keep up his grades over the years, to set an example for Castiel. He'd earned this more than just about anyone, and just because he wasn't planning to go to college anytime soon didn't lessen the achievement.

Castiel was damn proud of his big brother, and he hoped his wild clapping and whistling made up for the fact that he was the only one here to show it.

Even as Gabriel left the stage and reclaimed his seat, Castiel squinted around the auditorium. He was sure that if he saw him, he'd recognize Michael, but if their older brother had shown up, it was outside of Castiel's searching gaze. Some part of him had truly believed, or at least fervently hoped, that Michael would come, for this of all occasions. It wasn't as though they'd seen or heard from him even once since he'd left their father's house, but somehow…

It didn't matter, Castiel told himself firmly. He and Gabriel had been on their own for a long time now, and they'd made the best of it. He was here, and that was what mattered. That was what Gabriel cared about, even if he had purchased an extra ticket and mailed it off to an address Castiel hadn't known he had.

The ceremony dragged for a while after that, names and faces Castiel had never bothered to learn or remember prancing across the stage. He clapped for Gabriel's friends – Kali, and Ash, and Crowley, and whistled again for Balthazar, who had proven himself a true friend to them both during the last few months. Mostly, though, he anxiously waited for the end, and when it finally came and people began to stand and filter out, he managed to weasel out of his row and dart up the aisle to where Gabriel was waiting for him with a big smug smile.

Castiel ignored the smugness and threw his arms around Gabriel, laughing when Gabriel lifted him up off the ground and squeezed him so hard he lost his breath. "Congratulations," he said when he finally managed to get free. "I knew you could do it."

Gabriel rolled his eyes, but there was no hiding how satisfied he was, holding that little rolled piece of paper in his hand. "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, brat." He winked, then leaned over to ruffle Castiel's hair and whisper, "Thanks, Cas."

Castiel swatted at him, scowling fiercely, but it was belied by the way he couldn't stop his lips from twitching. "You're welcome," he said pointedly. Then he sobered a little. "I'm sorry he didn't come."

"Eh." Gabriel shrugged. "Didn't think he would. He's probably gonna be pissed I got his address at all."

"How deep did Crowley have to dig for it?" Castiel asked, genuinely curious.

"Deep enough. He changed his last name and moved three states over. Not exactly the M.O of someone who wants to be found." Gabriel shrugged again. Castiel couldn't miss the way his eyes tightened at how neither of them were willing to say Michael's name. "Anyway, who cares?" he finally said, brightening as he re-focused on Castiel. "I got you."

Castiel grinned a little and let Gabriel throw an arm around his shoulders as they made their way out into the warm June sunshine.

Gabriel did have him, and Castiel was going to make sure that never changed.

~

**1992**

They got used to a new routine over the next two years.

Gabriel spent some of his hard-earned money from the factory to go through the training necessary to drive tractor-trailers, and through that, was able to find a new job only a few months after graduating. This one thankfully had a day shift because he didn't like leaving Castiel alone at night if he didn't have to. So now, he went straight to work from dropping Castiel off at school, and usually arrived back home an hour or two after Castiel did. Sometimes he took a few hours of overtime, but not more than once or twice a week, and only when it was absolutely necessary.

Castiel, meanwhile, put all of his focus into school, and tried not to think too hard about the things he'd been forced to give up. Creating music had lost its appeal without Gabriel to teach him, and while he still had access to the music lab and the piano at the school, he couldn't bring himself to use it. He spent his study periods writing, instead. First he started a journal of sorts, chronicling some of the things that were happening in his life, and some of the things he felt about those happenings. Then he found himself branching into fiction almost by accident, drawn to the way it provided an escape from everything he didn't want to think about.

They still spent their evenings with music whenever possible. Gabriel's first big splurge, after the apartment and training, was a stereo system like Anna's. A ridiculous indulgence that they didn't even have the space for, but when it was all set up and they curled up on the couch every night talking to each other about their respective days with a mix of their favorite composers' music playing softly in the background (Castiel had always preferred the classics, while Gabriel liked to go with selections more modern), it was entirely worth it.

By the time Castiel was halfway through his junior year, he finally felt like he was beginning to find his footing again. After everything they'd been through, it was a good feeling. Their lives weren't perfect, but they weren't bad, either. He was seventeen years old, and in a year, he could finally stop living with the constant fear in his gut that somehow, some way, his father was going to make a play to get him back. Was going to find a way to hurt them again.

Which of course was when the phone call came.

~

"He's dead," Gabriel said when he hung up. He was facing away from Castiel when he said it, but Castiel could see what he was feeling by the tense line of his shoulders, the way his head was hanging, his hand still clenched white-knuckled around the receiver.

Castiel sat down heavily in the chair at the table. His ears were ringing with the word, _Dead, he's dead, Father is dead_ , but mostly, he was just numb. What was he supposed to be feeling right now? His father had been dead for the better portion of his life, at least in Castiel's mind, never mind that up until two hours ago he'd been living and breathing and probably as angry and bitter as ever. "How?" he asked, staring unseeingly at the cheap wood tabletop.

"Ate a bullet," Gabriel replied. Still not facing Castiel, but Castiel heard the way his teeth were clenched, grinding together with the force of what he was feeling but not saying. "Bastard finally took the easy way out."

Castiel winced. "Gabriel…" _He was still our father, he was still…_

But no, he hadn't been, not for a long time, and wasn't that the point?

"I need to go ID the body," Gabriel said, and now he finally took his hand away from the phone, used it to rub his face before turning to face Castiel, even if he still didn't look him in the eye.

"Should I –"

" _No_ ," Gabriel bit out, too harsh. He closed his eyes against Castiel's flinch, steadied his tone. "I don't want you seeing that."

"All right," Castiel replied. He could admit to himself he was relieved. "Is there anything you want me to do?"

"Homework."

Castiel gave his brother a dry look. "I meant, should I…is there anyone to call, or…"

Gabriel blew out a breath. "Hell, I don't even know. Did he _have_ friends?" There certainly wasn't family to call, at least no one who would care. The little family they did have, distant as the relation was, was all from their mother's side, and none of them on speaking terms with their father. And Michael…

Well.

"Look, don't –" Gabriel cut himself off, looking frustrated. "We'll figure it all out. After. I just."

"Go," Castiel said, knowing Gabriel well enough to know when he needed an escape. He knew Gabriel would take the most indirect route to the hospital he could find, hoped the drive was enough to calm the panic he could see forming in those amber eyes. "Call me when you're on your way back, I'll tell you where to stop to pick up dinner."

"Yeah," Gabriel said, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair. "I'll be back. Um."

"Take the time you need," Castiel said, catching and holding his brother's eyes, silencing him when Gabriel would have tried to argue. "I'll be here." His voice was gravelly with everything he couldn't find the words to say, emotion roughening a voice that had already lowered to whiskey-flavored tones as he'd matured.

"Okay," Gabriel said, his eyes full of the gratitude he wouldn’t express, and then he was gone.

Castiel stared unseeingly at the door for a long time. He didn't notice at first that he was rubbing his wrist the way he hadn't had the compulsion to do in months.

~

When Gabriel came back, he was carrying both the chicken that Castiel had ordered him to bring, and a large, expensive-looking bottle of scotch. Castiel didn't want to know how he'd acquired it, but he already suspected it had something to do with Crowley. These things always did, and even if Gabriel and Crowley didn't speak all that often, his brother's old friend could usually be counted on in a pinch, if the request was something of an illicit or illegal nature.

"Don't worry," Gabriel muttered, plopping both the bag and the bottle onto the table. "I plan to share."

Castiel raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yep. I think today of all days, we both deserve to get hammered out of our minds, and we have a ready-made excuse when our hangovers force us to spend all of tomorrow in bed." Gabriel grabbed two glasses out of the cabinet, two paper plates from the counter, and a handful of paper towels from the roll next to the sink.

"Sounds…thrilling," Castiel said dubiously. But he had to admit, losing himself in a haze of alcohol sounded enticing right now. Maybe it would slow the whirlwind of thoughts he couldn't seem to quiet on his own.

Gabriel smirked, opening the bottle and filling their glasses. He lifted his and waited for Cas to do the same. "To Dad," he said, no small amount of irony in his tone as he clinked his glass to Castiel's.

Castiel shook his head, but dutifully drank it down, even managed it without coughing, and the burn was almost enough to make him forget about the vise around his chest.

~

The first thing he was aware of was the taste and feel of something rotting in his mouth. His tongue felt fuzzy and swollen, and he wanted to gag at the taste in the back of his throat. He tried to blink his gummy eyes open, and that was when he became aware of the second thing: the way his head was pounding incessantly, every beat of his heart a stab of pain straight through his temples.

"Oh, God," he moaned, turning to bury his face in the pillow.

Except that the pillow vibrated beneath him, and he realized, with a slowness he would be horrified by later, that it was actually Gabriel's chest.

A full twenty-four seconds after that, he realized Gabriel was _laughing_ at him.

"I hate you," he muttered. "Why do I let you talk me into these asinine things?" Forming words that were both comprehensible and intelligent took a monumental effort that made Castiel's already-throbbing head ache that much harder.

"How are you feeling?" Gabriel asked, voice sounding like someone had taken several shards of glass to it.

"I will never, _ever_ drink again," Castiel replied, his words muffled by Gabriel's body, but he couldn't be bothered to lift his head enough to move it again, especially when Gabriel's hand came up and started carding through his hair.

"I don't doubt that," Gabriel said. "You really packed them away last night, I was almost impressed."

Castiel groaned. "Why are you in my bed, anyway?" he asked, but even before he felt Gabriel go still, he could feel it tugging at his threads of memory. Could feel the phantom glide of Gabriel's hand over his jaw, see the aching glitter of the tears that had slid down his face. He suddenly remembered with startling clarity the desperation of the kiss, grief-filled and over before it began, but undeniable. Toppling back in the bed and clinging to each other because there was nothing else they could do, no other way to release the emotions that'd had them in a stranglehold all day.

"Oh," he said, and then staggered up, away from the warmth of Gabriel's arms, and bolted for the bathroom. He barely made it to the sink in time, and the scotch burned just as much coming up as it had going down.

Or maybe that was the sobs that were trying to claw their way out of his throat at the same time.

~

They didn't talk about it, of course. It was easier to fill the sudden void between them with other things; funeral arrangements, what to do with the house, what to do with the money from the _sale_ of the house, if Castiel would have to worry about Gabriel's guardianship…

That last one, at least, was easy enough, because it turned out that Gabriel had two years' worth of signed documents from their father giving him Power of Attorney over Castiel. Between that, the 'stable environment' Castiel had, the way his grades had only gotten better in the last two years, and Castiel being close to eighteen as it was, Gabriel didn't think there would be any problems. Castiel barely heard these reasonings, too busy being boggled by the idea that Gabriel had _threatened_ their father to get those documents, and never told Castiel about it before.

It made him wonder what other secrets his brother was keeping buried.

They decided by mutual agreement that neither of them had any desire to live in the house again, too many bad memories and too much sadness that could never be scrubbed away. They talked a little about using some of the money for Castiel to go to college, something he'd been steadfastly not thinking about at all before the possibility was there. Gabriel didn't once mention the idea of using any of it to find a different house, or a better apartment. The one time Castiel dared to bring it up himself, Gabriel waved it off. Judging by the thin, pinched look of his mouth, he was thinking about the kiss, probably thinking that Castiel would want to get away from him as soon as he could.

Castiel was thinking nothing of the sort, but that was a problem in itself that he wasn't prepared to look at too closely.

So they ignored the big issues, and talked about the ones that weren't big in the scheme of things but probably should have been, and danced around the fact that there was a wall between them that had never been there before.

The only thing that stopped Castiel from ripping his hair out in frustration and badly-bottled anger was the knowledge that Belle, the piano he hadn't seen or played since that fateful night, was his again. Even if they had to put her into storage for a while, she was his.

Even that didn't feel like enough, though.

~

It was two months before things reached a breaking point.

The end of the school year had come and gone, the time flowing too quickly, like river water after a hurricane. Castiel could barely keep up, was mostly unaware of a lot of the things that happened outside of his direct line of sight. He and Gabriel spoke less and less, and their evenings together vanished like they'd never been. Castiel was miserable more often than not, and if he'd thought to wonder, he probably could have guessed that Gabriel was the same.

When they got word that the house had been sold, far more quickly than either had anticipated, it was on a too-hot day at the end of June. Castiel was sitting on their little couch staring blankly at the television, praying to God and His angels that they'd have the money soon to fix the air conditioning, when Gabriel walked in looking a little shell-shocked.

When Castiel heard the news, he didn't know how he was supposed to feel about it. He blinked at Gabriel a few times, managed to say, "That's good," even if he wasn't sure if it was or not.

And then Gabriel said, "Yeah, so, I was thinking maybe I could use part of the money and take the transfer my company's been pushing me for. Out in Dayton, you know?"

Castiel blinked again, staring uncomprehendingly for a long moment. "Dayton _Ohio?_ " he asked slowly. That was over three thousand miles from their little Colorado town.

"Yeah, didn't I mention it?" Gabriel asked, looking away and fiddling with the cordless phone in his hands. "I mean, it'd be a chance to get some real cash, move up in the company a little. And Balthazar offered to let you stay with him, so it's not like you'd have to go, you could –"

"Have you lost your mind?" Castiel growled. He didn't even remember standing, but suddenly he was directly in front of Gabriel, his ears ringing with the force of his anger, and Gabriel must have seen it in his eyes, because his own widened, and he was backing up toward the kitchen even as Castiel advanced. Castiel didn't let him get very far, his hand darting out and grabbing Gabriel's arm so that he could twist him, push him bodily up against the wall where Gabriel couldn't escape.

In the back of his mind, he wondered just when he'd grown taller than his big brother, but mostly he was too busy enjoying the feeling of control it gave him, where before he'd had none.

"Do you really think I would just be okay with letting you _vanish?_ " he asked darkly. "Like _Michael_ did?" A harsh blow, and he saw it strike home in his brother's eyes. "That I'd be okay just letting you _leave_ me?"

Gabriel's jaw clenched, his chin lifting. "I figured you'd be grateful."

"Grateful," Castiel spat. " _Grateful_. God, your stupidity knows no bounds, does it?"

It was probably habit more than anything that had Gabriel punching him in the arm, an action more brotherly than any he'd shown in _months_ , and saying, "Hey! I rese –"

Castiel didn't let him finish. He slid forward, as natural as breathing, and took Gabriel's mouth in a fierce kiss, cutting him off mid-word and swallowing the whimper that still managed to break free. It wasn't a gentle thing, like some of the scotch-flavored kisses he could only dimly recall. It was angry, fueled by fury and driven by all the things they'd been keeping bottled up between them for months now. It was all teeth and tongue and edges as sharp as glass, laced with a greedy desperation Castiel hadn't even known he was capable of before this moment.

Gabriel, never one to back down from a challenge, gave as good as he got. He fisted a hand in Castiel's shirt, pushed against him so that Castiel could feel every inch of him, every bit that was hot and wanting and just as desperate as Castiel was. He bit down on Castiel's lip and seemed to take a dark pleasure in the noise it wrenched from his throat.

It was a wildfire that burned out as quickly as it first ravaged. Castiel made a sound, perhaps tried to whisper Gabriel's name against his lips, and Gabriel suddenly froze, deer-in-headlights style. "Oh, God," he said, wrenching away. "Jesus fucking Christ, Cas. What are you –" He shoved Castiel back, wiped his mouth on the back of his shaking hand like that would erase the last five minutes. Then he just stared.

"Gabriel…" Cas said, feeling the horror in Gabriel's eyes all the way down to his toes. "I'm sorry, I didn't –"

"Damn _right_ you didn't!" Gabriel yelled. His eyes were wide, his breathing ragged, and Castiel wondered distantly if he was about to hyperventilate. "You can't…you don't…this is going to _destroy_ us, Cas, don't you get it?" He slid down the wall as his knees gave out, buried his face in them like it would allow him to hide.

"No," Castiel said. "No, it…it can't. It's not. It's –"

"Oh, c'mon, Cas. Even you haven't been sheltered enough that you don't know how bad an idea this is!" Gabriel's tone was venomous, even muffled as it was.

Gabriel had barely looked Castiel in the eyes in ages, but this was different. Suddenly, the weight of it slammed into Castiel with the force of a freight train, stealing the breath from his lungs and making his vision swim. He could _lose_ Gabriel because of this, he could lose the only person who meant anything at all to him anymore.

 _Oh, God_ , he thought, and then he dropped to his knees, tugged on Gabriel's hands, spoke too fast because if he didn't, if he couldn't make him understand…

"Gabriel, _Gabriel_ , listen, it's not like that. It's _not_ , this isn't something awful like you think, it's just _us_." He was babbling and he knew it, couldn't seem to stop. "We're all each other has, and this is my fault if it's anyone's, it's not you, it's not anything you did. I just, I need you, I always have." He put his head down on Gabriel's hands, half begging and half just babbling to himself now, feeling like he was cracking apart inside. "I can stop, I swear I can, it won't happen again, just please, _please_ , I can’t take this anymore, you pulling away from me like this, I can't. I _can't_. You can't leave me Gabriel, _please_ don't leave…"

"Shit," Gabriel breathed, sounding choked. He moved just enough that he could press his forehead to Castiel's. Their hands were tangled together tightly enough to crack bones, but neither seemed able to let go. " _Damn_ it. I'm not going anywhere, Cas, okay? I promise I won't. I don't think I could."

Castiel realized then that he was crying, big, fat tears that slid down his face and over their hands in a messy torrent. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry. I'm holding you back. You're life –"

"You _are_ my life," Gabriel said. "And I wouldn't trade you for anything." He eyes glinted fiercely when Castiel was finally brave enough to meet them.

Always looking out for Castiel, no matter what it cost him to do so. Always putting his little brother first, and it was too much. Castiel couldn't handle this, this feeling like he was being crushed, like he was suddenly shouldering all of the guilt for everything that was wrong in Gabriel's life. Because, God, how much better would Gabriel have it if Castiel had never been born? If he'd never needed protecting, if he'd never wanted –

Castiel scrambled up, wiping his face with his hands and stumbling for the door as fast as his trembling legs could carry him. "I need to go," he said. "I just…I'll be back, I need to…"

Gabriel's sad gaze felt like it was burning him as he shoved his way through the door and bolted for the bus stop that would lead him anywhere away from here.

~

There weren't many things that could get Castiel to come back to the old house, especially now that the place technically belonged to someone else, but when his thoughts were dark and chaotic and his heart felt like it was splitting in two, there could be nowhere more fitting than this place and all the ghosts it held.

Popping the lock on the back door was child's play, something they'd all been able to do for years. He didn't turn on any of the lights as he wandered through the quiet. Most of the furniture hadn't moved, which surprised him a little, given that a realtor had surely been through here deciding the best way to show it off.

He made his way through the dark rooms and shadowed hallways and only realized he hadn't thought to grab the key to his mother's study when he was standing before the door and _needing_ to get inside.

He pressed one hand to the cool wood of the door, curled the other around the doorknob, and prayed.

It swung open on silent hinges, and something inside him wept in relief.

In this room, he did turn the light on, letting the warm glow wash over him as he stared around his favorite place in the world for the first time in years. He wouldn't miss the house when it was gone, but this room, this one lasting physical reminder of his mother…this, he would miss. More than he knew how to say.

He felt like there should be dust, or really, any sign of how long the room had surely gone unused, but of course there wasn't. Like the rest of the house, he was sure, it was immaculate, scrubbed to perfection so any potential buyer could see the way it shone. He sat down on the piano bench tentatively, ghosted his fingers over the familiar keys and tried not to think about how rusty he must be by now. He didn't look at the gouge he knew would still be in the wood on top of the cover, because right now the reminder would just bring back all the painful things he needed to escape. Things about his father, his family, his life, his _brother_ …

His fingers mapped out the song before he realized what he was going to play. Dark and dangerous, painful and jagged, the piano came to life beneath his hands. It wasn't perfect, without the sheet music to guide him and out of practice as he was, but he still had a good ear and he remembered this song well. It was the darkest in his repertoire, and a perfect fit for his mood.

He was so caught up in the rhythm and flow of the music that he never heard Gabriel come into the room, didn't realize he was no longer alone until he felt the familiar presence by his side, until Gabriel's hands were covering his and his voice was in Castiel's ear; "Easy, Cas, there's no need to _beat_ the song into poor Belle."

Castiel didn't have the energy he knew he'd need to regain the anxiety and stress he'd managed to lose some of while playing. He was just too tired. He bowed his head and let his fingers still beneath his brother's, took a few breaths to give his heartbeat time to steady itself.

"How did you know I would be here?" he asked, his voice gruffer than he meant it to sound.

"There aren't many things I don't know about you, kid," Gabriel replied.

Castiel kept breathing steadily, in and out, in and out. Finally, he said, "I think we should move to Dayton. Both of us."

Gabriel, to his credit, didn't even twitch. "You do, huh?"

"We need a fresh start," Castiel continued softly. "Someplace we can be without needing to hide from the bad memories. It's bad for me, so I can only imagine it must be worse for you."

Gabriel leaned against him, just a little. "Wasn't always bad, Cas. Got some good things stored away too, you know."

Castiel risked a glance up, found Gabriel grinning at him. A shadow of the smile he missed so much, but it was a start, and more than he'd had in a while. "I know. But do you really want to stay here?"

For a long time, Gabriel didn't reply, just continued looking at Castiel with a weight in his eyes Castiel didn't fully understand. It made him fidget a little, but then the weight shifted, and the smile peeked out again. "Guess it could be an adventure, huh, little brother?"

Tentatively, Castiel smiled back, nodded. Ducked his head when Gabriel reached up to muss up his already perpetually messy hair.

"Hey, Cas?"

He looked up again at the softness in Gabriel's voice, found him wearing an impossibly serious expression and the slightest hint of a flush in his cheeks. He tilted his head, waiting for whatever Gabriel needed to say.

"The two of us, we've had a pretty crappy time of it, y'know?" Gabriel's mouth quirked unhappily, an echo of things long past hovering in his eyes. "But I need you to get one thing, and I need you to promise not to forget it, no matter what shit comes up or happens or gets said, now or in the future."

"Okay…" Castiel said, swallowing. He had to fight not to look away.

"My life is a helluva lot better because I have you for a brother than it ever would've been otherwise." Gabriel's hand crept up, smoothed over Castiel's hair and rested against his cheek. "And I love you."

Castiel found breathing was suddenly difficult. He couldn't reply, too afraid of breaking down all over again, but Gabriel didn't seem to need him to.

"Now come on," he said, leaning down to press a kiss to Castiel's brow, then pulling back with a wink. "I've had enough of this mushy stuff, and we've got an adventure to plan. Anything else can wait, yeah?"

"Yeah," Castiel agreed, because Gabriel was offering him an out, and he would be stupid not to take it. Just for now. Just until they were ready to talk about…things.

If they were ever ready.

Castiel didn't miss the way Gabriel's hand drifted over the piano as he stood, nor did he miss the last look his brother gave the room. Ghosts all around and memories pressing in, but all that really mattered, all that shone in his eyes, was what was between the two of them. Past and present, and now, a brand new future.

For the first time, seeing that look, Castiel was truly hopeful.

~

**1993**

The little ranch house they picked in a town just outside Dayton was perfect, and judging by the smug look in Gabriel's eyes when he brought Castiel to see it, he knew it. He hadn't allowed Castiel to cut school to travel and go house hunting with him, but he had promised to narrow it down to a few choices and let his brother see them before making any final decisions.

Castiel didn't need to stop and consider. Gabriel's eyes were lit with his eagerness to get to work, to make _this_ their new home. "You should make the offer," he said, and had the satisfaction of watching Gabriel let out a loud whoop, his fist punching into the air as he turned to the realtor with a broad grin.

Castiel's heart did a complicated little roll in his chest, but he shoved the feeling down brutally. It had taken too long – _months_ – for Gabriel to be able to look him in the eyes again, too long for them to regain the closeness they'd always shared. They never spoke about it, about the kiss or the things Castiel had said, and he knew they never would. But Gabriel was finally starting to let his guard down again and Castiel wouldn't ruin that. He had his brother back, and that was more than he'd dared hope for. It was enough. It had to be.

He shook his head and smiled at Gabriel, let his big brother sweep him into a bone-crushing hug as he babbled about all the things they were going to do when they moved in.

"What do you think, Cas, that third bedroom could probably be gutted and turned into a pretty sweet little music room, yeah?" Gabriel's eyes glinted. "Think Belle would be happy there?" What he was really asking was obviously if Castiel thought _he_ could be happy there.

The answer to both, of course, was, "Definitely."

If his heart did another somersault in his chest as he said it, that was no one's business but his.

~

Castiel's last few months of high school were remarkably different from his three and a half previous years. Coming in as the new kid, especially halfway through the school year, could have been very awkward and unpleasant, and he felt like he should have been sucked immediately back into the same role he was already familiar with. The quiet, friendless, lonely kid who sat in the back of classes and pretended the world away.

But he wasn't the only new kid, and somehow that made all the difference. The other transfer, a freshman named Dean, had wary green eyes and spiky dark blond hair and an attitude the size of Texas. And yet, from the moment they met in the office that first day and cautiously nodded to each other, Dean weaseled his way into being Castiel's first real friend.

It started with lunches. Being new to the school, and coming in so late in the year, Dean and Castiel were relegated to a similar schedule, placed wherever there was room to fit them. This meant they both wound up with first lunch followed by a study period, because all of the extracurriculars were full for the term.

The first day, Dean sidled up behind Castiel in the lunch line, followed Castiel back to one of the corner tables, and plopped down across from him without a word. Castiel blinked at him a few times, but Dean was already tearing into his sloppy joe with gusto, and he wouldn't meet Castiel's eyes.

The next day was the same, and the next, and soon enough, Castiel realized that they were engaging in casual banter every time they saw each other, and following on the heels of that was the realization that they were, in fact, _friends_.

It was harder to say what Gabriel was more amused by – the fact that Castiel had managed to find someone as socially inept as he himself was, or the fact that he was so baffled by finding himself in possession of something most people took for granted from the time they were toddlers in a play group.

"He probably won't be here long anyway," Castiel told him with a small shrug. "His father travels a lot for work, Dean said he and his little brother get pulled out of schools two or three times a year, sometimes more."

"Huh," Gabriel said. "Well, that's a damn shame, but hey, enjoy it while you can. You should invite the kid over sometimes, we can do a pizza and movie night. Think he'd go for a set of really bad horror films?"

"He'd probably love it," Castiel admitted, mentally groaning. He could only imagine the disaster waiting to happen when Gabriel's sharp wit met Dean's give-'em-hell attitude. Still, he could admit he rather liked the idea of it.

~

Dean's only stipulation to coming over was that he be allowed to bring his little brother, which Castiel readily agreed to.

"He's not annoying or anything," Dean promised. "I just don't like leaving him alone when Dad's busy with work stuff. It's my job to look after him, y'know?"

Castiel thought of Gabriel, and all the years he'd watched over Castiel, and thought he understood.

Dean and Sam came the next day after Sam got out of school. Gabriel already had a pile of movies stacked on the coffee table, along with enough bags of popcorn to feed an army. Under the stack was the take-out menu for the only decent pizza place in town, and they'd call in an order whenever they decided they were hungry.

Gabriel's introduction to Dean went something like this:

"Gabriel, this is my friend, Dean Winchester," Castiel said, already bracing himself when his brother turned from the kitchen counter to raise an eyebrow at their guest. "Dean, my brother Gabriel."

Gabriel folded his arms, made a show of looking Dean up and down like he was surveying a piece of meat. "Kinda scrawny," he finally said, "but he'll do in a pinch." He grinned.

"Ex- _cuse_ me?" Dean managed two outraged steps before Castiel grabbed his arm.

He tugged the outraged teen back toward the living room. "No, really, don't listen to a word he says. Ever," he told Dean, throwing a glare at Gabriel over his shoulder. His brother smirked, winked, and turned away before Castiel could yell at him.

But Gabriel's snark aside, it really was a good day. Even with the popcorn fight, and the pizza order being delivered two hours late, and the way Sam hid his face in his brother's arm during all the scary scenes, and the constant stream of banter between the two older brothers, it was a good day.

And then, just as Dean and Sam were getting ready to leave, Sam came back from the bathroom with wide eyes and tugged insistently on Dean's sleeve.

"What is it, squirt?" Dean grinned down at his brother. Sam stood on tiptoes and whispered something in his ear. Dean's eyebrows went up, and he looked at Castiel. "You have a piano?"

"Oh!" Castiel blinked, a little startled by the question. "Well, yes. It was our mother's."

"You play?" Dean asked.

Castiel exchanged a glance with Gabriel, who raised an eyebrow back at him, a little grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "I…yes. Not extraordinarily well these days, but…"

"Awesome!" Dean said, apparently unperturbed by that. "Maybe you could play for Sammy here? Kid's a sucker for piano music. Doesn't want to play at all, but he loves listening to it. Might help him sleep when we get home."

Sam was staring at the ground, blushing beet red, and how was Castiel supposed to say no to that? Especially when he knew about Sam's nightmares. Like he and Gabriel, Sam and Dean had lost their mother, but they'd lost her to something even worse than a car accident. Dean had told Castiel that Sam still dreamt of the flames almost every night, even four years later. "Of course," he agreed, wracking his brain for something he could play after so long.

"Think we managed to unpack the Beatles music last week," Gabriel said casually, inspecting his nails. Castiel shook his head, fighting a smile. The Beatles were Gabriel's favorites. It had been a while, but…

"All right," he said, and led the way into the music room, caught by Gabriel's sparkling eyes and Sam's beaming smile and Dean's silent nod of thanks.

There wasn't much in the way of furniture or decoration in the room yet. Gabriel had purchased a giant fluffy beanbag chair to throw in the corner, and Dean took that seat, pulling Sam into his lap despite his little brother's squirming. Gabriel leaned against the piano, arms crossed as he grinned encouragingly at Castiel.

Castiel found the sheet music he was looking for and smoothed a hand over it, reading through quickly to reacquaint himself with the music. He sat down on the bench and took a breath, resting gentle fingers on the keys.

It wasn't perfect, anymore than the last time he'd played, that night he didn't like remembering. But it flowed out of him like water, bubbling and quirky and joyful. Sam was smiling when Castiel looked over to him, and he smiled back with a wink. Even Dean looked happy as he listened.

Castiel didn't need to look at Gabriel to know that he was grinning hugely at him. In his peripheral vision, he could see that Gabriel's hand had moved to the ebony wood and was drumming in time to the music, easily keeping pace with Castiel even though Castiel was sure his pace was off by just a smidge. And then he realized that he _wasn't_ , suddenly, that Gabriel had subtly guided him back on track, better than any metronome.

Castiel hid another smile, caught up in the joy of just _feeling_ what he was playing. He'd missed this. He'd missed this so _much_.

One song led to another, Dean and Gabriel battling each other to toss requests at Castiel, and he laughed while he played, laughed harder than he had in _years_. Minutes turned to hours, and Sam fell asleep curled up against his big brother, and still Castiel played on.

~

That night broke something open between Castiel and Gabriel that they hadn't known how to reclaim before. With time and effort, they'd managed to regain most of their closeness and the trust they'd shared since childhood. But they hadn't touched a piano, neither of them, not since that night in their father's house.

But after Dean and Sam's visit, it all came flooding back, the desire to play, and more than that, to have Gabriel by his side teaching him. Even if they were nearly on equal footing by now, Castiel wouldn't change the way Gabriel still moved to correct his positioning, or how he showed him tricks to make playing the more complicated songs easier, or how he always kept time for Castiel almost subconsciously. The way he leaned over Castiel's shoulder and placed warm hands over his and pretended he didn't notice the way Castiel's pulse jumped every single time.

They were both woefully out of practice, but it came back a little more each night, and soon enough, it was as though they'd never stopped.

"I missed this," Castiel admitted after the first week.

Gabriel had squeezed his shoulder and replied softly, "Me too, kid."

Movie nights with Dean and Sam became a new ritual as well, every Friday afternoon, usually until well into the night, long after Sam had already fallen asleep in the beanbag chair while Castiel and Gabriel took turns playing the piano.

The rest of the school year passed with amazing speed, until it was suddenly a week before Castiel's graduation, and he had very little recollection of how he'd already reached that point.

He was at his locker when Dean found him that day, and though he turned to greet his friend with a smile, it slipped off his face with one look at Dean's clenched fists and the anger and sadness in his green eyes. "Dean?" he asked warily.

"Dad's job here is wrapped up," the teen said sullenly. "He wants us to leave tomorrow." He stared hard at the ground, folding his arms across his chest like that would protect him from feeling anything. Castiel refrained from telling him that he knew from experience it wouldn't help. "I never cared before, when he pulled us out and took us someplace new. Always figured, it is what it is and all that crap, and mostly, kinda cool. But now…"

"I'm sorry, Dean," Castiel said, honestly regretful.

Dean's lips twisted unhappily, a flush creeping its way up his neck even before he said, "You— You're my best friend, damn it. I don't…I don't wanna…"

Castiel stepped closer, placing a hand on Dean's shoulder and drawing him into a fast hug before the other boy could scramble away. "You're mine too," he said. "That's not going to change when you switch zip codes. I don't have so many friends that I could easily forget the ones who matter most."

Dean's whole face was red now, but he looked like he was fighting a tiny smile. "Jesus Christ, Cas, you're even more a girl than Sammy." He rolled his eyes. "All right, just. Can I call you and Gabriel sometimes, maybe, from wherever we end up?"

"I'd be sincerely disappointed if you didn't," Castiel said. He flipped his backpack around, grabbed a scrap of paper and a pen so he could jot down their phone number. "Anytime you need to call, day or night, promise me you will."

"Kay," Dean said, the closest he'd get to actually making a promise. But he clutched the paper Castiel handed him tightly and bit down on his bottom lip when he shoved it in his own pack. "Hey, so…wanna cut class and go hang out by the train tracks for the rest of the day?"

What did he have to lose, with a nearly perfect grade point average and all his final exams completed already? "Lead the way," Castiel said, thinking that one more day with his best friend wasn't too much to ask.

~

In the end, it was Sam who put up a fuss with their father, pretending to be ill just long enough that he and Dean could attend Castiel's graduation. Castiel was fairly sure he didn't have words that Dean would accept to express how grateful he was that his friend could be there. Instead, when the speeches were over and the diplomas collected, he ran down to where the people he loved were waiting and drew all of them into a giant hug that had Sam giggling and Gabriel rolling his eyes and Dean blushing and fidgeting and pleased.

Dean and Sam left almost immediately after, their father already waiting in the parking lot, looking like he was grumbling to himself behind the windows of the old Chevrolet Impala. No further goodbyes were exchanged than the ones that had already been silently given, but Gabriel and Castiel watched the car drive off until it was out of sight, and then Gabriel threw an arm around Castiel's shoulders and dragged him into another hug.

"I like those kids," he said as they made their way to their own parked car – the little Dodge Dart that Gabriel had procured around the time of the move. "Hope we see them again sometime."

Castiel only nodded, afraid if he opened his mouth to agree, some of the sadness he felt would come leaking through, and today was supposed to be a day for celebrating. Even if he didn't so much care about the ceremony imposed on graduation, he knew that Gabriel did. Gabriel was proud of him, and Castiel could try to stay positive for his sake, even if he was already missing his friend.

For his part, Gabriel seemed to know intrinsically, as he always did, what was going through Castiel's mind, and he seemed determined to cheer his brother up. He took him out to dinner at Castiel's favorite restaurant, a quiet Italian place in the heart of downtown Dayton. It was a luxury they rarely felt able to afford, and then on top of it, he dragged Castiel to a movie he'd had mentioned being interested in seeing.

Later, Castiel wouldn't be able to recall a single detail of the movie itself, including its title, but he'd remember the feel of Gabriel's arm brushing against his in the darkened theater, and the smile on his face when he'd asked if Castiel was enjoying the film.

And then later, in the quiet of their own home, Castiel curled up in the beanbag chair in the music room and let Gabriel play for him for long hours.

He fell asleep to the soft strains of Elton John and Gabriel's melodic voice singing along like he almost never did, and in that moment, Castiel could imagine no gift more perfect than this. Just this, for as long as he was allowed to have it.

~

**1996**

Castiel stared down at the student housing pamphlet in bemusement, wondering why Gabriel thought he was going to change his mind now, if he hadn't already in the three years he'd been attending Wright State University. He had no desire to live in the dorms there, even if it was a forty-minute drive each way to commute. He _loved_ their house, wouldn't trade living here for anything, and certainly not for a loud, obnoxious roommate who would probably smell bad and hang socks on the door every other night. The house wasn't perfect, even with the work they'd put into it every now and then when they had the extra money, but it was perfect for him. For _them_. It was home, and he was happy here.

He shook his head, dropped his books onto the table in the pamphlet's place and put the pamphlet itself through the paper shredder.

Gabriel was working late today, and Castiel had a shift of his own down at the grocery store, but there should be enough time in between for them to have dinner together. They tried to most nights, in spite of the two night classes Castiel had this semester alongside his three shifts a week at the store, and Gabriel's increasing tendency to take overtime.

Gabriel was bound and determined to make sure Castiel got through his college education without taking out a single loan. Castiel was equally bound and determined to force his brother to take enough downtime that they could still see each other for at least a little time each day. So far, they'd managed to find an okay balance, but sometimes it was a battle.

Belle, at least, still provided them with the perfect excuse when all else failed. Even when Castiel got home so late his eyelids were drooping, they made it a point to unwind in the music room. They didn't always play, but it was worth it just for the serenity that _being_ there offered. Even at his most stressed, Castiel could walk into that room and feel all the day's hardships wash right off him.

Tonight, though, there would be diner as well. Castiel had picked up the fixings for Gabriel's favorite steak dinner, and Gabriel had sworn he would be home in time to enjoy it fresh off the grill that it was just starting to get warm enough outside to use.

As he set everything out to begin preparing the meal, Castiel remembered that Dean was supposed to call sometime tonight as well. If he recalled correctly (and he very rarely didn't), Dean and Sam were in South Dakota right now, staying with a friend of their father's for a few months. Last time they'd spoken, Dean had complained bitterly about being babysat at seventeen years old, but Castiel thought he was secretly grateful for a bit of a reprieve. And Sam, now a freshman in high school, would certainly be enjoying the extended stay.

In any case, it would be good to hear both of their voices, even if he _was_ exhausted with Dean's constant attempts to find him a significant other. Dean, a perpetual Casanova these days, didn't understand that Castiel just didn't _want_ a girlfriend or boyfriend, and it wasn't as though Castiel could really explain that his heart already well and truly belonged to someone, considering who that someone was.

He wasn't upset about it anymore, although for a long time it had eaten at him. But eventually, he'd come to terms with his feelings for Gabriel. They hadn't changed in all this time, and they likely never would. The way the two of them grown up, the way Castiel had relied so heavily on Gabriel his whole life, the way Gabriel tried so hard to protect him from so many things, watched out for him through thick and thin… Some things simply _couldn't_ be changed.

It was like saying the sky was blue, or water was wet. Castiel was in love with Gabriel, down to the core of his being. He didn't know how to be any other way. It was simple fact.

Sometimes, he found Gabriel looking at him in a way that suggested his older brother knew, but of course even if he did, they never spoke about it, and that also suited Castiel just fine. He thought that trying to open it and dissect it would just make it hurt, and right now, he was comfortable acknowledging it to himself and not letting it ever go any further. He wasn't lonely, wasn't pining for anything more than what he had, and his brother loved him. Even if it wasn't the same way Castiel loved _him_ , it was enough.

More than enough.

Shaking his head to clear it of such distracting thoughts, Castiel lost himself in the task of dinner. He threw together an assortment of mixed vegetables, marinated one of the steaks in the sweet mixture Gabriel favored, got the potatoes ready to be mashed. The rhythm was soothing, a balm to the frayed edges of his psyche.

By the time Gabriel came home a few hours later, Castiel was able to look over and smile at him without his whole heart showing in his eyes. He'd gotten quite adept at masking things over the years, and it was worth it to see the way Gabriel beamed back at him.

"Somethin' smells good, little brother," Gabriel said, dropping his jacket unceremoniously onto the table.

"I was just about to fire up the grill," Castiel told him as he set the table. "Think your stomach will survive the next ten minutes of waiting?"

Gabriel groaned exaggeratedly, clutching his hands over his stomach and doing his best to look like the most desperately starving man alive.

Castiel whacked him over the head on his way past to the door, smiled to himself at Gabriel's sound of outrage.

This was all he needed. This was _them_.

~

His last thought, he would remember much, much later, was that he was going to be late to American Lit, and damn it, there was an exam today.

Gabriel was driving him, because it was Gabriel's day off and he had errands to run and they tried to be good about sharing the car.

They never even saw the truck.

It was like it happened in slow motion. A jolt that rocked him hard, too hard against the seatbelt, and in the background, the desperate squeal of the Dart's brand new brakes. Something snapping in his chest, a blaze of fierce agony. Shattering glass, loud and harsh in his ears. The crunch of metal, and his brother's voice yelling his name.

Breathless, broken. Fading out, and in, and out again, and in again.

Lights, too bright, searing his eyes, and too many people, people with dark faces and slurred voices and panic, panic everywhere, too much.

The realization that he was thrashing, hurting himself further, pressure against his chest choking him as he tried to scream for Gabriel. No answer, and he kept screaming, and screaming, and screaming.

Something holding him down, holding his arm, forcing him still, a pinprick of pain barely registered through the haze of blood-red and night-black and _screaming screaming screaming._

The briefest moment to wonder, wonder if this was how it had been, if this was how she'd felt.

_Mama, don't go._

_Gabriel._

_**Gabriel.** _

Darkness.

~

The beeping permeated his dreams, first. Time had no real meaning, but it felt like weeks, or years, that he felt like he was floating, blanketed in a thick fog he couldn't escape, cushioned all around but feeling smothered instead of comforted, and always, always, there was the same steady, high-pitched beeping.

Inevitably, it was the beeping that gave him something to focus on long enough to drag himself out of that fog. He was greeted to a much less pleasant world of pain, but even so, he welcomed it as he dragged his eyes open against the tar that was keeping them glued shut.

"G'briel?" Everything around him was blurry and indistinct, but his hand was warm where something was covering it, and instinctively, he knew it had to be his brother.

"Cas?"

Castiel's throat felt like it was on fire, but it had nothing on the broken, jagged edges of Gabriel's voice. Harsh and rasping, like he'd shoved it through a meat grinder, and Gabriel's voice should never sound like that, should never be anything but carefree and joyful or smug and sarcastic because that was just who Gabriel _was_.

Castiel still couldn't see well, and blinking to try and clear his vision just seemed like too much effort, but he turned his hand palm-up, closed his fingers around Gabriel's and squeezed, just a little. "Okay?" he asked.

He heard Gabriel shift in his chair, and then felt it when Gabriel rested his forehead against Castiel's. Felt Gabriel's breath warm against his face when Gabriel just breathed for long moments. "Yeah," he finally managed to say. "Yeah, I'm okay, little brother."

"Good." Castiel closed his eyes again, and his fingers relaxed where they were still curled around his brother's. "Love you."

He drifted off to a sound that was almost like a sob, but that couldn't be right, because there was no reason for Gabriel to cry, not when they were both here, both alive and okay and together.

~

The next time was easier. The room was dark, but Castiel could see more than just blurry outlines of shapes this time, and his mind felt clearer. He was still in pain – everything hurt, from his chest to his head to his hands and feet and fingers and toes. He wondered if he was just one big bruise, then decided he was better off not knowing.

There was a warm weight pressed against his side, and he looked down to see Gabriel, sound asleep in his chair, head pillowed on his folded arms on the bed next to Castiel. Castiel reached down, mindful of the IV lines in his hands, and carded his fingers carefully through Gabriel's hair.

God, what would he have done if his brother hadn't been okay? If Castiel hadn't woken up that first time to find him here, right by Castiel's side, right where he was supposed to be? He shuddered just thinking about it, swallowed hard around the fear that clogged his throat.

It was long minutes before Gabriel blinked his eyes open and realized that Castiel was awake, and even when he turned his head and their eyes met, Castiel didn't move his hand away, only allowed it to drift so that it was cupping his brother's cheek instead.

He could be allowed this touch. Just this once. They'd been so close to losing each other, surely just this once wouldn't hurt anything.

Gabriel reached up and caught Castiel's hand with his own, tangled their fingers together as he turned and pressed his lips to the inside of Castiel's wrist. Castiel's breath caught, and by his side, the steady beeps of the heart monitor quickened, just a little. "Gabriel…" he murmured, then couldn't help coughing around the dryness in his throat.

Gabriel reached over and grabbed a little plastic cup of water, helped Castiel lean forward to take a few tiny sips. It made his chest hurt even worse, but the cool trickle of water down his throat was bliss. "All right there, Cas?" Gabriel asked after a moment.

Castiel nodded, falling back against the pillow and taking a few painful breaths as he slowly relaxed again. "How long?" he asked softly.

"Just over a week," Gabriel replied, his hand clenching painfully in the bed sheet. "They kept you under for a while, 'cause you went kind of crazy the first few times you woke up and I wasn't there." He shifted in his chair, his knuckles ghostly white even against the pale sheets. "Before that, for a while there, they weren't sure…" He trailed off, looking away. Castiel saw his adam's apple bob as he swallowed harshly.

"I'm okay," he said, reaching for Gabriel's hand again. "We both are, right?" His brother didn't look much worse for wear, anyway. There was a neat line of stitches across his forehead, angling down and reaching toward his left temple, and his arm looked badly bruised even in the very dim light of the hospital room, but otherwise…

"Yeah, we are," Gabriel said, giving Castiel a little half smile. He scooted his chair back and held up his left foot, which was encased in a booted cast. "Broke my ankle again, but that's the worst of it."

Castiel blinked. "It hit on your side?" he asked, confused. If that was the case, why was _he_ the one still in a hospital bed?

"Yeah." Gabriel nodded, gingerly putting his foot down again and bringing his chair back close to the bed. "Truck hit on an angle, which is why it didn't squish me completely." He ignored Castiel's frightened glare as he leaned back and sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "The impact was too hard though, the seatbelt broke two of your ribs. One of them punctured your lung."

Well. That explained a bit, then. Castiel swallowed again, wondering just how close it had been. That they both made it out alive had to be a miracle. "Is the other driver all right?" he wondered, then regretted asking when Gabriel grimaced and looked away again.

"Guy was stoned. Not wearing a seatbelt. Flimsy glass windows. Died on impact, they think, would've bled out even if he hadn't." Gabriel's hand was back on the bed seeking out Castiel's, squeezing almost too hard when it latched on, but Castiel understood. All he wanted right now was that connection, the knowledge that Gabriel was really here, wasn't going anywhere. A few seconds, a bit of a different angle, and God, he'd have lost him, Gabriel would be –

He didn't mean to make a sound, but the sob wrenched free anyway. Gabriel startled, but then he was levering himself onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Castiel and holding him as tightly as he dared while Castiel clung to him and buried his face his Gabriel's shoulder and wept.

"Castiel, Cas, shh, it's okay, little brother, I'm here. I'm here, I promise, I'll always be right here." Gabriel ran his hand through Castiel's hair, murmured soothing words that Castiel only barely understood but found comfort in anyway.

Eventually, the sobs began to taper, and as the moment of desperate fear abated a little, Castiel realized he was trembling hard in Gabriel's arms. With his face still pressed against his brother, hiding the only way he could, he opened his mouth to try to assure Gabriel he was all right. What came out instead, in a shaking, halting voice, was, "I…I don't know what I'd do if…I love you so much, I don't…Gabriel, I don't know how to _be_ without you."

He heard a suspicious sniff, and Gabriel's hold on him tightened. "You don't have to. Okay? Not ever." It was a promise, one that Castiel knew logically he had no control over, but he found too much comfort in it to care. "I almost lost you, Cas. God, I almost lost you." He pulled away, just enough that he could rake his eyes over Castiel's face, drinking him in like Castiel was water to a man dying in the desert.

"Gabriel…" Castiel needed to say something, to do something, _anything_ , just to wipe that look of his brother's face. It was too open, too painful, it was going to crack him wide open and leave him broken and –

He didn't even see Gabriel move, but suddenly there was a cool hand against his face, and Gabriel's lips were pressed to his, not open, not moving, just there. Wet where the tears had run down to soak them, trembling with fear and desperation and so many things Castiel didn't understand, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter, because Gabriel was kissing him.

Gabriel was _kissing_ him.

Castiel tried to move, to surge into it the way he wanted to so much when his mind finally caught up with what was happening, but his body rebelled. His chest burned, pain like fire from the stress he'd already put on it, but he bit back the cry, relaxed his muscles and opened his mouth just enough and licked his way into Gabriel's because he couldn't _not_. The pain in his body was meaningless to this, this precious connection he'd been craving for so long.

It couldn't last; he was exhausted and weak and his brother knew it and pulled away far too soon, pressing Castiel back against the pillow and giving him a crooked smile as he used his other hand to wipe away the tears on his face. "We'll talk when you're better. Rest now, Cas," he said quietly, and despite his desire to talk _now_ , to give breath and voice to everything clamoring around inside of him, Castiel's brain was wired to do as his big brother told him to.

He closed his eyes and drifted to sleep still clutching Gabriel's hand.

~

Dean was waiting in the parking lot the day Castiel was finally allowed to go home. Leaning against the Impala, arms crossed as he glowered at Gabriel and Castiel. "You two idiots are gonna be the death of me. You got any idea how worried I was?"

"Dean," Castiel said happily. "It's so good to see you."

He was rewarded with a very grumpy look in return as Dean opened the back door and helped Castiel into the car. Gabriel hobbled around to the passenger side and got into the front.

"But what are you doing here, what about school?" Castiel asked as Dean got in behind the wheel.

Dean rolled his eyes at him in the mirror. "Spring break just started. Gabe called last week to let me know you woke up. I cleared it with Bobby and Sam and took off. Got a few days to make sure you don't fuck yourself up even more and then I'll head back. Might miss a day or two but it's no big deal."

Castiel's heart warmed. "You drove all this way just to…" Dean's glower stopped him in his tracks, and he closed his mouth and tried unsuccessfully to hide his smile. "Thank you," he finally settled on.

~

It was only because of Dean that Castiel wasn't forced to give up on the school semester entirely. He'd been ahead in most of his classes to begin with, but two weeks in the hospital meant that he'd missed a number of exams and lectures. He'd e-mailed his professors to see if there was anything he could do, but he was going to be all but bedridden for the next several weeks, so he hadn't had much hope.

Dean took it a step further. He went to the campus on Castiel's behalf, pleaded with his professors to give him a chance. And because he was Dean, because he had all the charm in the world when he needed it, his pleas didn't fall on deaf ears. He came back with a smug grin, holding a stack of lecture notes and recordings, books and other reading materials, and letters from all four professors wishing him a speedy recovery and outlining what Castiel could do to make up his grades – mostly essay work, which wasn't his favorite thing in the world, but which he would gladly do without complaint. He would also video-chat with each of them once a week, so they could be sure he was understanding the material and not having someone else do the work for him.

"You didn't have to go to all this trouble," he told Dean. "I could have retaken the semester."

"You'd've hated giving up that easy," Dean said. "And you work too damn hard to let the first half of the semester go to waste. Smile and say thank you, Cas."

"Thank you, Cas," Castiel said, smiling angelically. Dean whapped him over the head with a notebook, making Castiel laugh. His chest tightened painfully, but it felt good anyway. He let his smile soften, become genuine. "Really, though. Thank you. For everything."

"Well, Gabe wasn't gonna be able to do much to take care of things, hobbling around on that leg." Dean shrugged. "Really wasn't a big thing."

"It was to me." Castiel shook his head. "Gabriel is too hardheaded for his own good. He would have spent far too much time worrying about me and not letting his leg heal properly. I know it's only a few days, but helping get me home and settled, taking care of everything at school…that was incredible of you, Dean. I'm very blessed to be able to call you my friend."

"Oh my God, shut up before I smother you with a pillow," Dean said, hiding his face in his hands. "You and Sammy, I swear. Always with the _feelings_ and the chick-flick moments."

Castiel grinned just as Gabriel pushed the door open and glanced in.

"You doing okay, Cas?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at Castiel's happy expression.

"Wonderful, thank you," he replied, shooting the same look right back at his brother and ignoring the joyful flip of his heart. "Why aren't you lying on the couch watching daytime television and resting your ankle?"

"C'mon, _Mom_ ," Gabriel whined, making his voice sound as pitiful as possible. "I'm bored."

Dean snickered. "How bout I go grab us some grub from that Chinese place down the street? I can set the TV up in here and you two can mock each other till the cows come home while I laugh at you."

Castiel eyed him. "This is going to end in you two ganging up on me while I'm defenseless and weak, isn't it?"

Gabriel grinned cheerfully. "Probably!"

"Wonderful." Castiel sighed long-sufferingly and his chest gave another twinge of displeasure, but inside, he felt happy enough to burst.

~

His doctor didn't declare Castiel fully healed until two weeks after the semester ended, and in all the time before that, Gabriel never brought up the kiss. He checked on Castiel regularly, spent as much time with him as he could even though he was back to work a month after the accident, wearing a walking cast and probably straining his injury more than he should have been. He set up a cot in the music room so that Castiel could lie down comfortably and let Gabriel play for him. He helped with Castiel's research assignments whenever he needed to, running to the library and checking out all of the books Castiel asked for. He did anything and everything he possibly could for his brother, as often as he could get away with it.

But they never talked about the kiss.

By the time Castiel was finally fit for getting back to his life, he was completely fed up with Gabriel's avoidance, and he was determined to drag the conversation out of him one way or another.

It didn't take him long.

He kept his silence all the way home, sitting in the passenger seat of the new (used) car Gabriel had named "Dennis", a slightly battered Civic who's previous owner had obviously liked their cigarettes a bit too much, judging by the smell they couldn't get rid of and the stains on the driver's seat.

He even kept his silence as they put dinner together, the lasagna dish that was Castiel's favorite and a side of salad.

He managed to keep his silence all the way up until Gabriel was elbow-deep in soapy water doing the dishes, and then he just _couldn't_ anymore. He drew up behind his brother, his heart hammering in his chest as he placed a hand on Gabriel's waist and turned him around. "We need to talk," he said with far more confidence than he felt.

Gabriel's amber-golden eyes were wide. He looked for all the world like a deer in headlights, shocked and a little bit terrified, but Castiel wasn't going to back down, not now. He handed Gabriel the dishtowel to dry his hands, reached over his shoulder to turn off the faucet.

"We should…the dishes…"

"They can wait," Castiel said, taking one of Gabriel's hands and leading (dragging) him out of the kitchen.

They ended up in the music room, because Castiel was sure that was where they both felt the most at ease. He pushed Gabriel gentle down onto the bench, then took a seat right next to him so that Gabriel wouldn't be able to easily escape.

Gabriel fidgeted, his eyes darting around to look everywhere but at Castiel, fingers clenching and unclenching in the denim covering his knees. "Look, can't we just –"

"You kissed me," Castiel broke in, because mincing words wasn't going to get them anywhere. "And then you promised me we'd talk when I was better." He spread his hands. "I'm better, Gabriel."

"Cas…" Gabriel's eyes were pleading when they finally met Castiel's.

"Just tell me why you did it." Castiel's hands were gripped tightly around the bench as he spoke, because he wasn't sure he wouldn't just grab hold of his brother and never let go if he didn't anchor them somewhere. "Was it out of…pity? A misguided sense of compassion? _Spite?_ "

"What?" Gabriel reared back. "How could you even… No, you dimwitted moron! Jesus Christ, Cas, _no_. I…I kissed you because…" He swallowed hard, crossing his arms as though to shield himself. "I almost lost you. It kind of…drove home a few things."

"Things?" Castiel pressed.

" _Yes_ , things, all right?" His arms uncrossed, his hands waving like they always did when he got worked up. It wasn't the time to smile, but Castiel almost wanted to, even as his heart was lodging itself somewhere in his throat. "Things like how much I love you! Like how much I've _always_ loved you! Like the fact that I've wanted you since I was seventeen, and I've spent all this time trying to protect you and it _hasn't helped!_ Things like the way you look at me, like…like I'm…"

"Everything," Castiel said softly. "You're everything to me." Slowly, like he was dealing with a spooked animal, he reached out and took hold of one of Gabriel's hands, held it between his own like it was precious.

Gabriel's head dropped. "I can't fight it anymore, Cas. I don't…this could ruin us but I can't…"

"It won't." Castiel had never been more sure of anything in his life. "It _won't_ , Gabriel, it's us. Nothing could destroy us." He scooted closer, brought one of his hands up to tilt Gabriel's face back to his. "It won't."

Gabriel's eyes searched his for a long moment, his hand practically spasming where Castiel was still holding it. And then he untangled their fingers and fisted both hands in Castiel's t-shirt, yanking him forward and leaning up to meet him in a sudden searing kiss. Castiel flailed, unbalanced for half a second due to their awkward position on the piano bench, but then he swung a leg around so he could straddle Gabriel's lap, and his hands found purchase on Gabriel's hips, and everything righted itself instantly.

Gabriel was shaking when they parted for air, moments or hours later. Wide honey-colored eyes stared unblinkingly at Castiel, and his hands were fisted tightly in the back of Castiel's shirt. "Cas...?" he questioned, sounding so desperately unsure of himself, in a way Gabriel never was.

Castiel stood then, taking Gabriel's hand, and Gabriel followed him without a word of protest as Castiel led the way down the hall and into the bedroom (Gabriel's, of course, because it was closer and because it had a much larger bed).

Gabriel watched, mouth open and eyes still so very wide, as Castiel undressed, first himself, and then his brother. Neither of them spoke a word; Castiel decided it was because words, after all this time, were entirely unnecessary.

Anyway, there was something so precious and fragile about these moments. Words would have felt too harsh in the air between them, when a simple touch could convey any thought, any feeling.

Like the brush of Gabriel's fingers against his face as they lay down together, or the tender press of lips to his forehead. The way Castiel took Gabriel's hand and pressed it to his own heart, the way he knew his eyes were wide and imploring.

Everything I am belongs to you, he thought, and even that, he knew Gabriel understood.

They moved together in the soft darkness, and when they finally slept, just as the first blush of sunrise danced over the blinds, they remained curled close in each other's arms.

~

Castiel woke late in the morning, the room around him bright with sunshine. He breathed deeply, enjoying the scents of him and Gabriel wrapped together as he looked around the room as though seeing it for the first time. Let himself begin to imagine this becoming _their_ room. The idea of letting their clothes mingle in the closet and their pictures both hang on the walls. A nightstand on either side and two pairs of slippers waiting for them on cold mornings.

God, he was giddy, now. Almost trembling with it. He nuzzled further into Gabriel's hold, nosing into the juncture between his neck and his shoulder, and tried to pretend he wasn't clinging.

Not doing a very good job of it apparently, because Gabriel, who should have been asleep, chuckled. His voice was raspy with sleep, but he ran a hand through Castiel's hair, pressed a kiss into his forehead. "Relax, kid. I'm not going anywhere."

Castiel sighed against his skin. "I'm not worried," he said. Mostly, it wasn't a lie.

"Mhmm," Gabriel murmured, clearly not believing him. There was silence, lasting long enough that Castiel was sure his brother must have dozed off again, and then Gabriel said quietly, "I wonder if this means Dad was right."

Castiel tensed. "About what?"

There was a pause, not nearly long enough to prepare him. "All those times he told us we were sinners and we were destined to burn in Hell. I wonder…"

"Stop it," Castiel growled, propping himself up on his arm so he could stare down angrily at Gabriel. "Don't you _ever_ say that. It isn't true." He jabbed a finger hard into Gabriel's chest to emphasize his point. "Father was a deluded, bitter old man after Mama died. He didn't know how to be happy for himself, and his single goal in life was to make sure we were just as miserable, so don't you ever listen to a single word he said. This…what we have…it isn't _like_ that."

"Isn't it?" Gabriel asked, sounding weary. "Isn't it something we have to hide? Something we have to be too ashamed to tell anyone about? Think about it, Cas. Just stop and think for five seconds."

Castiel leaned down and stole the rest of the words from Gabriel's mouth. Bit down hard on his bottom lip and devoured the gasp that broke free. Smoothed a hand up Gabriel's side, enjoying the goose pimples the broke out in his wake. "Does this feel wrong to you?" he whispered into his brother's mouth. He pressed his body down into Gabriel's. "Does this _feel_ sordid and dirty? Because it doesn't to me, Gabriel. This is pure, and beautiful, and perfect to me."

Gabriel moaned beneath him, winding a hand through Castiel's hair and tugging his head back so that he could get to Castiel's neck, nibble and suck at that spot just below his chin, the one that he remembered drove him wild last night. "No," he gasped, breathing the word into Castiel's skin. "No, not wrong."

Castiel captured Gabriel's mouth again, rolled them over so that Gabriel was above him when he pulled back enough to look him in the eyes and say, "I love you. And there is _nothing_ wrong about that."

Something broke in Gabriel's eyes, and when his lips caught Castiel's again, Castiel thought he finally believed him. When Gabriel spent the rest of the morning pressing his own words of love into Castiel's skin, Castiel admitted to himself that even if they truly had been damned, he wouldn't give this up. Not for anything. Not ever again.

~

**2000**

They were always careful. They didn't want to leave Dayton; Castiel was determined to finish his master's degree here, and Gabriel received a substantial raise at his job that they couldn't afford to walk away from. So they were careful, because it wasn't as though they could make people forget that they were brothers. They weren't perhaps the most social people on the block, but enough people knew them, and knew of their connection, that there could be no public hand-holding or making out in the backs of movie theaters.

It didn't bother Castiel, and it didn't seem to bother Gabriel either. Behind the closed doors of the home they'd made for themselves, they could be whoever they wanted, and that was enough.

Because he didn't see him in person often enough to remember, Castiel tended to forget that his best friend could read him like an open book when it came down to it.

Castiel was twenty-four the next time he saw Dean, who took the opportunity to swing by when he was passing through town. They still spoke on the phone regularly; if Dean didn't call at least once a month from whatever town he happened to be in at the time, Castiel would have known something was wrong. It wasn't exactly like clockwork, but it was reliable enough that he could usually estimate the calls pretty closely.

The visit, however, was entirely a surprise, and maybe that was why Dean took one look at them, raised an eyebrow, and said, "Hey, Cas. Can I talk to you a second?"

If Dean hadn't already realized what was going on, it would have been obvious when he led the way without preamble into the bedroom he knew had been Castiel's at one time. It had long since been converted into a study, though, and Castiel closed the door behind them with a feeling of deep resignation when Dean's eyes widened.

"I'd really rather not discuss it," Castiel said, staring at Dean head-on. "And if you intend to judge either of us, I suggest you leave now and don't bother returning."

"I…" Dean stopped, shook his head. "No, look, no judgment here, okay? Just…lemme just…." He sat down hard in the computer chair by the desk, blinked at Castiel a few times as he visibly tried to figure out what to say.

Castiel sighed, sitting down on the small filing cabinet across from him. This was his closest friend, the only person who'd ever bothered to try to understand Castiel at all. He could give him the benefit of the doubt.

"It's the way some people grow up," Dean offered. "Maybe it's not…normal, I guess? But sometimes…sometimes you just hafta hold onto what you have. I get that, Cas, I do." He shifted, his face reddening a little. "And I kind of…I mean, there was always something…y'know?"

Castiel didn't know, really, but Dean didn't look disgusted, and he wasn't running away, and these had to be good things. He felt the first stirrings of hope. "So, are you saying you're…" He didn't dare voice it.

"I'm saying it's not as big a shock as you might think," Dean said, looking amused now. "And I'm saying we're cool, okay? So wipe that damn look off your face before we hafta hug or somethin'."

It was good that Castiel was already sitting, because the relief hit hard enough to have toppled him over otherwise.

Someone knew. _Dean knew_ , and it hadn't been the end of the world, it hadn't ended with revulsion and pain and tears and slammed doors. And finally, _finally_ , there was someone Castiel could share this with. Oh, he doubted Dean wanted all the gory details, but just knowing he had someone he could be honest with, someone to tell about the ways Gabriel made his heart light up, made his breath catch and amazement flood through him. He'd never thought, never dared hope, that he could ever share this incredible piece of his life with anyone, and now…

In a sudden fit of elation, he threw himself across the room and into his best friend's arms, not even caring when Dean grumbled good-naturedly into his shoulder, because Dean hugged him back, shaking his head fondly and telling Castiel his was an idiot for ever doubting him.

"Although, crap," Dean said, suddenly pulling away and looking very serious. Before Castiel's heart had a chance to seize up, he continued with, "Does this mean I'm gonna have to give Gabe the 'if you hurt my best friend I'll fuck you up' speech?"

Castiel blinked at him. From the kitchen, there came the sound of Gabriel yelling, " _I heard that!_ "

And Castiel was laughing. He laughed so hard he was crying, or cried so hard he was laughing, he wasn't even sure which anymore, and it didn't even matter.

It didn't matter at all.

"Guess this means I can stay for dinner?" Dean asked, leaning back and looking very pleased with himself.

~

It was habit that had them all drifting to the music room later, full of food and laughter and good conversation. Dean and Gabriel wrestled for the beanbag chair while Castiel shook his head at their antics and took his customary seat on the piano bench. He watched and laughed as Dean, taller and stronger than he'd been the last time they'd seen him, finally simply picked Gabriel up and dumped him on the carpeted floor, Gabriel cursing and flailing and causing a general ruckus the entire time.

"You!" he said, pointing his glare at Castiel. "You're a traitor." He scooted back so he was sitting against the wall, cross-legged and scowling.

"Now Gabriel, Dean's a guest," Castiel reminded him, hiding his persistent grin behind his fingers. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dean turn to stick his tongue out at Gabriel and tried to make his laugh sound more like a cough.

"And hey, anyway, I brought presents!" Dean said, diving for his duffel, which he'd dropped next to the beanbag chair just before Gabriel had tackled him. He rifled through for a long moment and then said "Ha!" and yanked out a rather tremendous book, which he thrust unceremoniously at Castiel.

"What –" Castiel stared at the cover, blinking. _50 Years of the Greatest Classic Rock Songs._ "You bought me a book of piano music?" he asked incredulously, flipping through it and starting to grin again as he saw several of Dean's personal favorites. Styx's _Renegade_ , Journey's _Wheel in the Sky_ , Bob Seger's _Old Time Rock and Roll_ , of course…

Dean leaned back, smirking. "Well, _someone's_ gotta improve your taste. Figured this would help. Put the good stuff into a language you could understand, y'know?"

Castiel resisted the urge to throw the book at his head, barely. He was genuinely touched, but like hell would he let Dean know that. Gabriel's grin said his brother already saw right through him and would tease him mercilessly for his sentimentality later.

They played and sang together into the earliest part of morning before finally turning in for some much-needed rest. Castiel offered Dean the fold-out bed in the living room, and Dean accepted readily.

He stayed for three days, all told, and it was one of the best weekends in recent memory. Spending his days with his best friend in the whole world and spending his nights wrapped tightly in Gabriel's arms, and everything inside Castiel felt like it was glowing, even after Dean was gone again and only his impossible acceptance remained behind to lighten Castiel's heart.

~

**2002**

A year and a half passed before Castiel saw Dean again, but that was all right. Castiel's life was filled with his education and his job and, most importantly, Gabriel. Even if his dearest friend ever stayed in one place long enough to call it home, Castiel had very little time to call his own, and what time there was was given to his brother.

It was Gabriel who kept him from being pulled too deeply into his own head when he studied. He forced Castiel to take walks with him, to go on picnics during nice weekends. They did the yard work together because it was more fun that way, and they tried to take time out of every evening to curl up together on the couch and snuggle.

And, of course, they had their music, songs they played together that leapt off Belle's keys and danced around them in brilliant, swirling colors Castiel could see if he just closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel…

And the months passed quickly, one after another after another, and by the time Castiel did see Dean again, it should have been a particularly joyful time. Another meeting filled with smiles and laughter and hugs and all the other things that Dean insisted were too girly for him. Hell, it should have been an amazing time for Castiel even _without_ Dean's presence.

After years and years of hard work, taking what classes he could afford and working straight through his weekends and holidays and summers to pay for more, Castiel had finally – _finally_ – earned the Masters degree in Education he'd worked so hard for, which went very nicely with his Bachelor's in Mathematics. He'd graduated magna cum laude, an honor no one in their family had ever achieved before. For once, he had something to be proud of, and he _was_. Even Gabriel had had tears in his eyes at the graduation ceremony. And then…

One mistake. One stupid slip, and it was all falling apart now.

His fault, of course, because all the worst things always were.

"Start at the beginning," Dean said, straddling the music bench beside Castiel, his hand on his shoulder.

Castiel had his face in his hands, his shoulders trembling with the force of his panic. Still dressed in the khakis and dress shirt and tie he'd been wearing this morning – God, was it only this morning? – when he'd walked across the outdoor stage and shaken hands with the dean of his school. "I… It was so stupid, Dean, I don't even…"

"Shh, c'mon, Cas." The hand on Castiel's shoulder squeezed. "I can't help if you don't start talking."

"We were walking home," Castiel said on a shaky breath. "The car is in the shop, and it was a gorgeous day, and Gabriel said it would be worth it just to enjoy the walk together, so that's what we were doing. And he…he put his arm around me, just a hug, you know, because he was proud of me…" He choked on a sob here, but forced himself to go on. "I wasn't even thinking, I just turned and kissed him, right there on the sidewalk, in plain view, and…"

"Someone saw you." Dean released a slow breath. "Shit, Cas."

"Not just anyone," Castiel said miserably. "It was Mrs. Davis, the head of the ridiculous neighborhood watch, and the busiest busybody you'll ever meet. And as a bonus, her husband plays poker with Gabriel's boss every Saturday."

"Cas…" Dean hesitated, just long enough for Castiel's back to tense up. Dean squeezed his shoulder again. "I mean, you had to know it was gonna happen eventually, right? You two are so insanely in love, I can't believe it took this long."

Castiel sniffed, finally turning to look at Dean. "If I wasn't such an idiot –"

"This ain't your fault," Dean cut in, glaring. "Having to hide always sucks, and it never works out well for the people doing the hiding. But it's not your fault, Cas. Shit just happens. So we'll fix it."

"How?" Castiel asked, his voice barely a whisper. "Everyone will know, Dean. Gabriel's already gone to put in his notice, it will be a miracle if he's allowed to finish out the two weeks. His boss is a homophobic self-righteous moron, and this is…" He swallowed. "Well. What it is."

"Y'know, Cas, Dayton is not the only city around. There's a whole great big wide world out there, a good chunk of which I've seen, so you can take my word for it." Dean tried a grin, and it did make Castiel's heart feel a little less wobbly. "This is so not the end of the world, my friend."

"But even if we move, we'll eventually run into the same problem, won't we?" Castiel shook his head, looking down again. "We can't run forever, Dean."

"You let me worry about that," Dean said. "I got a plan."

~

"What is this?" Gabriel demanded, looking up from the pile of documents in his hands. Castiel realized they were actually trembling, but he couldn't make a move to calm his brother, because his own heart was racing too fast as it was.

Dean crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. "I'd've thought that was pretty obvious, short-stack."

"Dean Winchester, _what is this?_ " Gabriel's eyes were wide as he waved the papers at Dean.

Behind the eyeroll and the sigh, Castiel could tell that Dean was tense. "It's a shiny new identity for you," Dean said, and the reasoning behind his anxiety was immediately obvious. That wasn't something any average Joe off the street could get. Certainly not easily.

"Dean, how on Earth –" Castiel breathed, but Dean cut him off before he could finish.

"The job me and my dad do, means we have a lot of connections." Dean's jaw was tight, his voice hard. "Don't ask, okay? Just take it. It's a gift. Use it or don't, I don't really care."

Gabriel stared. " _Why?_ " he finally asked.

Dean blinked and raised an eyebrow. "You need to get out of dodge before the people with torches and pitchforks come. You're worried the same thing'll happen all over again no matter where you go. _Voilà_ , Sherlock, problem solved."

If he said anything else, Castiel missed it, too busy being caught by Gabriel's gaze, so full of fear and anger and hope and a thousand other conflicting emotions he didn't know how to express. _It's okay_ , Castiel wanted to say. _Whatever you want, it's okay._ But the words wouldn't come.

He understood Gabriel's battle. Yes, this was hope. This was freedom, and Castiel craved that. He knew Gabriel did as well. But to obtain that freedom would be for one of them to give up who they were, who they'd _been_. As far as family went, they were all each other had left, but that still meant something. Those ties still meant so many things to both of them.

It took a long moment for Gabriel to lower his gaze again, swallowing hard. "So, what, Gabriel Saunders just ceases to exist? I mean, maybe no one would have a reason to care, but it wouldn't be too hard to put together if someone in our family –"

"Officially, you'd be dead." Dean didn't mince words. "I don't know the best hacker in the country for nothin', y'know? We'd get it done right. The only people who'd question are the people who know you two, and I don't get the feeling you keep in contact or _want_ to keep in contact with too many people you both know."

Well, that was true enough. Castiel couldn't even remember the last time they'd spoken to Balthazar, the only member of their extended family they'd ever really had any dealings with.

"Dead," Gabriel snorted. "Awesome. Faking my own death so I can indulge in incest with my baby brother."

He may have said more, but after that arrow straight through Castiel's heart, he doubted he'd have heard. Everything became white noise, and he stopped seeing the two people in front of him.

They'd been dancing around that word for years now, but neither of them had ever said it. He'd though neither of them ever _would_. It wasn't about that, what they had wasn't…

It wasn't…

But maybe Gabriel thought it was.

Maybe…

Fingers snapped right in front of his face, and Castiel blinked. Gabriel was standing right there all of a sudden, one hand on Castiel's shoulder, his eyes worried as they searched Castiel's face.

"Hey Cas, still with us?" he asked softly.

Castiel nodded, turning away. "I'm sorry," he said, and meant so much more than for just the last few moments.

Gabriel was quiet for a long time. "Dean," he finally said. "I gotta think this over, okay? And me and Cas –"

"Say no more," Dean said. Castiel didn't have to look at him to hear the concerned tone in his voice as well. "Lemme know if –"

"We will."

Dean showed himself out, and when the door clicked closed, Gabriel finally released a breath, letting the papers fall to the floor as he dragged Castiel into the living room and onto the couch and just held him for long moments. In his arms, Castiel shuddered and desperately tried to keep the tears from falling.

"I shouldn't have said that," Gabriel said.

"It was true," Castiel whispered, and even knowing that, he couldn't stop himself from burying his face in Gabriel's shoulder.

Gabriel sighed, tightened his hold and didn't reply.

"Everything is falling apart," Castiel mumbled. "What are we supposed to do, Gabriel?"

"Rebuild." Gabriel nuzzled at Castiel's neck, kissing the skin tenderly and brushing a hand through Castiel's hair. "We fix it, Cas. But…"

"But you're not sure how."

Slowly, Gabriel pulled away. Castiel forced himself not to hide from his gaze this time, tried to put on a brave face like he didn't know what was coming. Or like he did know and could handle it anyway, even though he doubted that was the case. "I need some time to think," Gabriel said. "Just…I gotta figure this out, kid. You know? Figure out what needs changing and…what I can _handle_ changing."

Castiel nodded. "I know. I can be patient."

"I need…I need some time alone, Cas."

Another nod. Castiel felt himself growing numb. "I know that too."

"You can't stay here in the meantime."

"No." Castiel swallowed, raised his chin. "I can find a new place on my own. I can wait there." _I can wait for you._ "Just promise you'll come back. Even if…"

"Jesus, Cas." Gabriel pulled him into a rough embrace. "I'll always come back. _Always_. I'm never gonna leave you."

 _Never. I promise._ Words spoken so many years ago, words Castiel had clung to as a child. Continued to cling to even now. Words he'd always believed in.

"All right," he said. "All right."

~

Castiel was desperate enough to get out of Dayton that three days after Gabriel packed a bag and left, Castiel was already signing a rental agreement on an apartment three towns over. He spent the next two weeks packing up the house and putting everything but the furniture into storage. He met with a real estate agent and got the house listed on the market.

He avoided going there and seeing the looks in his former neighbors' eyes whenever possible.

Sam Winchester finished his last year of high school, and then all of a sudden, Castiel went from having one temporary roommate to having two.

It was the first time he'd seen Sam in a very long time, but there was no awkwardness in Sam's hug, no hesitation in his smiles. If he knew the truth – and Castiel was certain Dean would never have kept it from him – then he didn't care anymore than his brother did.

"You got tall," Castiel laughed as they sat around the flea market table in metal folding chairs eating pizza.

Sam blushed, blushed harder when Dean laughed as well. He stuffed the rest of his pizza slice into his mouth, probably in an attempt to avoid answering. Dean and Castiel glanced at each other and grinned.

It was good, being with his friends. Castiel was handling things mostly by shoving them as deep as he could and pretending they didn't exist, but he thought it would have been a thousand times harder if he had to be alone with his thoughts all day.

He missed Gabriel like a severed limb.

He'd been told that it shouldn't take long to sell their house, and mostly, he was grateful for that. But they'd made so many memories there, and part of him was crying out at the loss as deeply as he was crying out for his brother.

But they'd make new memories in a new place, he told himself firmly. No matter what Gabriel decided, they could be happy. Even if they couldn't be lovers, they'd always be brothers, and no one could take that from them.

Gabriel was trusting him to find them a new place to call home, and with that in mind, and with the help of his closest friends, Castiel set to work doing exactly that.

~

Vermont was different from Ohio in more ways than Castiel could count, and the town he'd chosen was _vastly_ different from the city of Dayton. Waterford was small and rural and completely out of their league, but that didn't stop him from plunking down the money for the small three-bedroom farmhouse that he completely fell in love with. The outside was unpainted cedar siding with dark gray shutters and a gabled roof. Big glass picture windows circled the first floor of the house; the second floor was just a narrow attic. The best feature of the living room was the stone fireplace, and all three of the bedrooms were large and airy and comfortable.

The largest, of course, would be the music room, and the first thing he did after the house was officially his was pay to have Belle moved to her new home. His brother's last words before he left rang in Castiel's ears, to _keep playing, Castiel. Promise you'll keep playing for me while I'm gone._ Of course Castiel would.

After Belle, the rest of the house came together in bits and pieces. Sam and Dean spent the summer helping, and they didn't rush. Sam would be off to college in California in the fall, and Dean had to get back to the mysterious job he never talked about that kept him moving around so much, and soon enough, Castiel would have to find work to continue paying the shiny new mortgage he'd taken on, but the summer was for them, and they made it count with new furniture and fresh coats of paint and polishing the hardwood floors and making the house feel like a home in any way they could.

It was a fresh start, a new beginning. It was a promise.

All that was missing was Gabriel.

~

**2003**

"Eight months," Castiel croaked, staring out the front screen door like he was seeing a ghost.

"I know," Gabriel said, looking down and shifting his weight from foot to foot. The duffle hanging over his shoulder looked a lot more ragged than it had when he'd left, and the coat he was wearing wasn't nearly warm enough for New England in March.

Castiel didn't feel like he was in charge of his own limbs as he shoved the door open and dragged Gabriel inside, pushed him against the wall and kissed him breathless. Then he realized it may well be his last chance to do so, and he immediately went deeper, took as much as he could. Took everything Gabriel was willingly giving him as he moaned around Castiel's tongue and clutched at his shoulders and begged for more.

When Castiel wrenched himself away, it was less by choice and more because Gabriel was suddenly shoving something against his chest. He took a few breaths to pull himself together and looked down at his brother's battered leather wallet.

"Take it," Gabriel said, his voice breathless and his lips quirking up in a hint of a grin.

With trembling hands, Castiel did, letting it fall open so that the ID in the center was visible.

 _Gabriel Laufisen_ , the name next to the smirking photo read.

It was Gabriel's hand that steadied him when he swayed, pressing against his chest, against his _heart_ , and God, but Castiel should have trusted him. Trusted in _this_.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," Gabriel said.

Castiel blinked the tears away before they had a chance to gather at the corners of his eyes. "Did you find whatever answers it was you were looking for?"

"Yeah." Gabriel nodded, taking a hesitant step closer, into Castiel's space. "Yeah, I'm good now."

"Then it doesn't matter," Castiel told him. "You're here. That's all I care about." He bent, pressing his forehead to Gabriel's and allowing himself to simply _feel_ for a long moment. They breathed each other in, didn't move except to caress the skin of each other's faces and hold each other close. "Welcome home, Gabriel."

~

The first thing they did was add Gabriel's new name on the deed to the house, and to the new bank accounts Castiel had opened when he moved. For some reason, both of these things gave Castiel the same warm feeling he experienced every time he looked over and saw his brother sitting beside him again.

After that, it didn't take Gabriel long to find a new job, still working as a truck driver, now in St. Johnsbury. As he told Castiel, it was something he was good at, and it got the bills paid. Castiel had asked once, years ago, if there was anything else Gabriel had ever dreamed of doing with his life, and Gabriel had answered, "Yeah, kid. Looking after you."

Castiel had never asked again, and he wouldn't now, with things so fragile and new and different.

In the meantime, Castiel studied what felt like an endless amount and finally took the teacher certification exams. It was a surprise to no one but himself when he passed, but finding a job would take time. While he searched classifieds and school websites, he did what he could filling in as a substitute and gaining the experience he was lacking outside of what he'd done for his degree.

When he finally did find the job he'd been working so hard for, it felt like a dream. Closer to home than he'd dared hope for, teaching a range of mathematics in the St. Johnsbury high school, where one of the older teachers had finally decided to retire.

"Proud of you, little brother," Gabriel said, hugging Castiel hard.

Castiel was still staring at the phone in his hands, couldn't seem to move his numb fingers enough to hang it up. His fingers were white around the receiver, and Gabriel had to pry them off with a laugh and hang it up himself before Castiel was able to meet his eyes.

"See what I meant, about rebuilding?" Gabriel's eyes sparkled. "I think this calls for a celebration."

And they did celebrate, long into that night, with champagne on skin and whispers in darkness and love that burned bright enough to blind.

~

**2006**

After that summer they'd spent together when Castiel bought the house in Vermont, every year at Christmas, no matter where they were or what they were doing, Sam and Dean made it a point to get back there and celebrate the holiday with Castiel and Gabriel.

Sam got there first the year Castiel turned thirty-one, and it was Gabriel who went to pick him up at the airport in Burlington, driving the same trusty blue Civic he'd been driving for the last ten years. "Dennis" was on its last legs, but Gabriel refused to admit it, and Castiel was done trying to make him see reason. Anyway, he had his own car in the driveway now for the first time, and he'd never fully admit to Gabriel how much he adored the new red VW Bug his brother had gifted him with. Bad enough he'd taken to Dean's habit of caressing the hood when he walked by and considered it a member of the family already, and secretly called it a "she" and graced it with a name that would never pass his lips even under torture.

Anyway.

So Castiel was at home, lying on the couch and engrossed in a mystery novel when Dean called and said he was bringing a guest with him, and he hoped that was okay.

Intrigued, Castiel said, "Of course it's all right." Dean sounded tired, he noted. Tired and a little shell-shocked. "Where are you now, Dean?"

"Wrapping some stuff up in Indiana. Should be there in a couple days. By Christmas Eve, at the latest. Sorry for the short notice."

"It's not a problem," Castiel reassured him. He heard a small, timid-sounding voice in the background, and though he was filled with curiosity, he wouldn't ask questions until Dean was here and able to rest. "Take care, and we'll see you soon," he said instead.

Dean mumbled out a hasty goodbye, and Castiel was left staring bemusedly at the phone as it disconnected.

~

Of all of them, Sam was probably the most boggled when Dean finally appeared, steering a young boy toward the door with a gentle hand on his shoulder. He gaped with wide eyes and a dropped jaw, looking at Castiel like Castiel had known what to expect and withheld the information deliberately. But the truth was, Castiel was quite stunned as well. Even Gabriel, who was cool as a cucumber in any number of odd situations, looked bewildered.

Dean looked…older, to Castiel's eyes. Lines in his face where there had never been any before. Still, he greeted them all with smiles and gruff hugs, and then introduced the boy. "Guys, this is Ben."

When neither of the others seemed able to make a move, it was Castiel who knelt down. "Hello, Ben. My name is Castiel." He nodded toward Gabriel. "That's my boyfriend, Gabriel, and the man standing by Dean is his brother Sam."

"Hi," Ben croaked, and then his big brown eyes went back to Dean, a desperate plea for instruction.

"Hey buddy, there's a TV just through that door there," Dean said, pointing toward the living room. "Why don't you go stick on your shows, and I'll get you a snack while I catch everyone up?"

"Okay," Ben agreed readily enough, and took off for the living room and, presumably, solitude.

Dean rubbed a hand over his face, releasing an exhausted-sounding sigh.

"Um." Sam spoke first, tentatively. "Dean, who's that?"

Dean laughed. It sounded brutal, making Castiel have to hide a wince. " _That_ is apparently my son."

~

The story came out slowly as they all sat around the kitchen table and spoke in hushed voices. Ben's mother, an old girlfriend of Dean's, had died three weeks ago. A victim of a crime Dean seemed reluctant to detail, so Castiel could only imagine how bad it was. Ben was seven years old and had no other family; he'd already been subjected to a foster home during the week it had taken authorities to track down Dean. Dean was named in the will as the father, and Lisa had applied to have his name added to Ben's birth certificate pending a paternity test.

He showed them the letter she'd written, where she'd apologized for keeping it from him and begged him to make sure their son was taken care of, even if he wasn't in a position to take him himself.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do?" Dean asked, lowering his head to his hands. "I don't know how to be a dad, I never stay in one place for more'n a few weeks, and I'm a world-class fuck up."

Sam punched his brother hard in the arm, looking angry. "You're an awesome dad," he muttered. "You already raised one kid, and he turned out okay."

Dean flushed. Castiel placed a hand on his arm. "Sam's right," he said. "You can tell that Ben already looks to you for guidance. He just lost his mother, but he trusts you. And you took him, which means you obviously want to do right by him."

Looking painfully lost, Dean could only shake his head.

Gabriel kept darting glances toward the living room, and Castiel could tell he was itching to go in there and speak with Ben, but didn't feel it was his place. He nudged Gabriel's leg with his own, and when Gabriel met his eyes guiltily, he nodded. " _Go_ ," he mouthed.

Gabriel went. Dean stared after him until Castiel said, "You have things you need to work out. Gabriel will make sure Ben's all right."

Dean sighed. Nodded. "Where do I start?" he asked.

~

The holiday passed in a blur. Some frantic last-minute shopping ensured that Ben had a bright and festive Christmas, and though he was often quiet and subdued, there were occasional smiles as well. And when it came time for the Winchesters to depart, Dean following Sam to California in the hopes of finding an apartment close to his brother to settle down in for a while, Ben threw his arms around both Castiel and Gabriel before getting into the Impala.

Dean smiled, watching Ben buckle his seatbelt in the backseat, and then he turned back to them. "Look, ah. I wasn't sure how to ask this, but…since I'm getting shit sorted out anyway, I probably shouldn't put it off." He rubbed the back of his neck, looking at Castiel. "You're my best friend in the world, right?"

"As though you need to ask," Castiel replied, shaking his head fondly.

"Right. So, um. I'm gonna update my will, 'cause of Ben and everything. I'm naming Sammy his godfather, y'know, in case something happens to me, but… Well, Sam's got a whole life back in Cali, and if he didn't want a kid or couldn't take him for some reason…I was hoping I could name you guys his secondary godparents." Dean's face was very red and he was staring at something over Castiel's left ear as he asked.

Castiel felt his eyes fill, and he didn't care that Dean was fidgeting and uncomfortable, he pulled his friend in for a hug and didn't let go for a long moment. Over Dean's shoulder, he met Gabriel's eyes, and his brother grinned and winked.

"Duh," Gabriel said. "Geez, Winchester, you gotta make everything into a big production, don't you?"

Dean choked on a laugh, pulling away with a still-red face and kicking at Gabriel's shin. "Jackass," he said with all the fondness Castiel could see in his eyes. Quirking a smile at both of them, he shook his head. "Thanks, guys."

"Call us when you get yourself set up in California, we'll make the trip out to visit." Gabriel grinned. "God knows we could use the vacation."

Castiel waved to Ben through the window as Dean finally drove off, and then, when they were out of sight, he turned and scooped Gabriel into a long embrace. "You are a truly wonderful person," he said, kissing the spot just below Gabriel's ear.

"Hmmm?" Gabriel questioned, eyes closed as he allowed Castiel to nuzzle him.

"I know the idea of having children has always terrified you," Castiel said. He was ready for Gabriel to try to pull away, and he held on tightly. "You've never said it, but I know you, Gabriel. You're scared to death you would somehow turn into _him_. And yet you never hesitated when Dean asked."

Gabriel was quiet, but he'd stopped trying to break free and was allowing Castiel to hold him. Finally, he said, "It means something to you. And to Dean, who gets a good chunk of my respect just for being such a good friend to you. And Ben's a pretty cool kid. So I guess maybe I thought it might be okay."

"You don't have it in you to be like him, you know." Castiel spoke quietly, soothingly.

Gabriel didn't believe him, it was obvious in the way he held himself when he finally did pull away, and in the awkwardness of his smile, the too-casual shrug of his shoulders. "Sure, Cas. But why take chances?"

Castiel didn't mind the idea of not having children. God knew, between the two of them they had enough issues to sink the Titanic. But someday, he vowed, he would make Gabriel believe himself worthy of the idea of them, if for no other reason than to make him understand he was nothing at all like the man they'd called their father. Could never be anything like him. Gabriel was not perfect, but he would never carry the taint of cruelty that man had. Not ever.

Someday, Castiel would find a way to prove that to him.

~

**2009-2010**

"Hey Cas?"

"Hmmm…" Castiel sighed and snuggled into the warm body by his side, still too blessed out for any sort of coherency. Which was why he was entirely unprepared for Gabriel's next words.

Gabriel bent his head, pressing a soft kiss to the mess of Castiel's dark hair. And then he whispered, in the perfect stillness of that chilly fall night, "Marry me."

~

"You can't have been serious." It took Castiel until the cold light of morning to form any sort of reply, and now, faced with Gabriel's smirking visage and cavalier attitude, the only thing that made sense through the fog in his brain was that it had been a joke. Same-sex marriage had only been legal here for a few short weeks, was still making headlines in the papers and on the news. It wasn't Gabriel's usual style of trickery, to be sure, but any other options were just too impossible to consider.

Gabriel snorted. "Wow, Cas, clearly you think very highly of me." He stepped in closer, trailing his hands up Castiel's sides and dragging him down for a kiss that Castiel could no more have resisted than he could his next breath. "I promise," he whispered into Castiel's mouth, "I'm completely serious."

Castiel shook his head, feeling dizzy and thunderstruck. "You can't be," he said weakly. "Gabriel, you –"

Two fingers pressed to his lips quieted him, and all Castiel could do was search Gabriel's eyes, which looked far too knowing and far too serious and far too… _everything_. "I love you," Gabriel said. "And this crazy thing between us, it ain't going anywhere. And what the hell good is a new name if I can't do something fun with it, anyway?" He took his fingers back slowly, stood on tiptoes to kiss Castiel's suddenly numb lips again. "I want you to marry me. Say yes."

As though he really had any choice in the matter. Heart pounding, face flushing, Castiel managed to nod. "Yes," he choked. "God, yes."

And then Gabriel was in his arms, and maybe his kisses didn't make the world suddenly make sense again, but Castiel found that he liked being thrown completely off-kilter once in a while.

~

They didn't make it into a big thing. In fact, they didn't even tell their friends until the deed was done and Castiel was calling Dean to inform him that he'd have to make one very minor change to the name in his will. His name, because he'd wanted Gabriel's. Contrived or not, it meant more than their father's name ever had to him. And Gabriel had given up that name for Castiel; Castiel was determined that he be allowed to do the same for Gabriel.

Dean – and Sam, Castiel could hear in the background once he realized what was going on – threw a fit. But despite the insults and the growls and the mutterings, Castiel could tell the Winchesters were happy for them.

"He better be takin' you somewhere nice for the honeymoon," Dean said, trying (and failing) to sound threatening.

"Italy," Castiel confirmed, the excitement bubbling in his stomach all over again. "For two weeks once school lets out."

Dean made an approving sound as Gabriel came up behind Castiel and slid his arms around him. "Hey Winchester, get off the phone so I can go ravish my bride," he said into the receiver that Castiel didn't cover fast enough.

"Oh, gross!" Dean laughed, loudly enough for Gabriel to hear. "Jesus Christ, you two. Well, congrats, anyway. Samantha says she's real happy for you both. I think those are tears in her eyes – ow!"

The phone disconnected abruptly, and Castiel sighed at Gabriel's snickers. "You are ridiculous," he said.

"You wouldn't want me any other way." Gabriel tugged him down and nibbled on his earlobe.

Castiel swatted at him. "Insatiable heathen."

Gabriel beamed. "I love you too, honey-bun."

~

In a school full of teenagers, it was impossible to know what to expect when he started each of his classes one day with the words, "Just so you're all aware, I've recently changed my name from Saunders to Laufisen. I'll answer to either, but it thought it prudent to inform you so as to avoid confusion."

For the most part, his students seemed more amused than anything. He was, as far as he'd been told by some of his colleagues, a popular teacher, and generally well-liked considering he taught a class most students weren't particularly fond of. Still, their easy acceptance of his news was surprising. Surely the smarter ones had put together what it meant – that he'd gotten married, that he was _gay_ – but none seemed inclined to treat him with disrespect or bigotry.

A few of them, Claire Daniels and Ethan Stone and even little freshman Dania Heart, actually congratulated him, making him flush.

And if his students were amused, his colleagues were downright delighted.

"Why Castiel, you never told us you had a beau!" Marcia Gellant, the ninth grade science teacher, cried, her eyes bright and sparkling. "You'll have to bring him along to the staff picnic at the end of the year, and no, don't look at me like that, you know I won't take no for an answer!"

While he did receive a few unfriendly glances from some of the older staff, none of them caused any problems, and none were people he'd known very well anyway.

For the first time, Castiel had acknowledged his relationship with Gabriel on a large scale, and it had gone so much better than he'd wanted to hope for. It was an amazing feeling. In fact, by the end of that first day, Castiel felt like he could fly. Hell, he felt like he _was_ flying.

~

**2011**

They should have expected it to happen someday. Michael had loved them once, and assuming he was still alive – they'd _always_ assumed he was still alive – it made sense that someday, he would perhaps want to find them.

Forever after, Castiel would be ashamed that he didn't recognize his eldest brother. When he opened the door and saw the slightly older gentleman standing there, his first thought was that it was very early in the year, and very cold, for salesmen to be out and about already.

"May I help you?" he inquired politely, because he'd always frowned at Gabriel's knack for leading them on for his own entertainment and then slamming the door in their faces.

"Castiel."

Something _pinged_ inside Castiel's brain at that voice. It had changed in twenty-five years, but it matched his own now, the whiskey-rough timbre that sounded entirely different from Gabriel's smoother, lighter tones.

"Oh my God," Castiel said. His head spun, and he clung to the door handle for support as he stared into Michael's eyes, those piercing blue eyes he hadn't seen or thought about in decades.

Michael didn't smile. His eyes were on Castiel's hand, the one he'd lifted to his mouth in his shock, the one that wore his white-gold wedding band encircled with Nordic runes of love and faith and loyalty.

 _Gabriel._ Where was Gabriel?

Castiel spun, his whole being ringing with the need for Gabriel, but before he could take so much as a single step to go find him, the screen door opened and Michael grabbed his wrist.

It was so like the night when Castiel was fifteen, the same grasp around his wrist, the same dark anger in those eyes, and he could _hear_ the snap of bone echoing out from the memories he tried to hide, and he made the smallest whimpering sound before he could stop himself.

Michael's grip gentled, but didn't release, and his eyes didn't so much as flicker. "What is this?" he growled, looking down at the ring.

"If you have to ask, you're not nearly as clever as you'd have the FBI believing, Mikey."

Castiel sagged at the sound of Gabriel's voice, could have wept with relief as his brother came into the foyer. He was here. Castiel was safe. "FBI?" he managed to ask, weakly.

"He was training with the Bureau when I had Crowley track him down for that graduation invite." Gabriel closed the door to prying eyes, and then turned to glare up at their brother. "You have no right to touch him, so back the fuck off or I'll _make_ you back off." As though he hadn't just implied that the man he was threatening was a trained FBI agent who could probably take him down in a second flat.

Michael's eyes snapped at Gabriel's tone, but he did let Castiel go, and Castiel took three fast steps away from him before he even realized he'd moved. Suddenly, he was ten years old again, wishing desperately for a place to hide as Gabriel got between him and Father, ready as always to take the hits that were meant for Castiel.

" _I_ have no right to touch him?" Michael asked, looming over Gabriel's smaller form. "After the filthy things you do to him behind closed doors? Tell me, Gabriel, how long did it take you after I left? How long did it take you to want his innocence for yourself?"

"Oh I dunno, Michael, you took that away pretty well all by your lonesome when you abandoned him and left him to Father's temper, don't you think?" Gabriel gave as good as he got, fists clenched as he stared Michael down.

"I would never have done what _you're_ –"

"Stop it!" Castiel yelled. He was breathing hard, fighting to keep his mind in the here and now. He was thirty-five years old, not ten, and he could stand up for himself. Had been doing so for a long time now. And for Gabriel, he could face down God Himself if he had to. "You," he snapped at Michael. "You are not going to come into _our_ home and hurl accusations at us and make us feel guilty for things that are blessings. You are not going to come here and pretend you're trying to protect me when it was you – _you_ , Michael – who left to begin with."

"Castiel –"

"Where were you when the drinking got worse? When he beat me bad enough to break bones?" Castiel hissed. "Where were you when we had to find a new place to live, when Gabriel had to work ridiculous hours to keep us fed and sheltered and clothed while I finished school? Where were you for my graduation? Or the old man's funeral? Or _any_ of it, Michael! It was Gabriel who was there, every day! You have no idea what things were like for us, so don't you _dare_ come in here and play the high and mighty older brother. You gave up the right to that title when you left us!"

"I kept tabs on you –"

"You were _hiding!_ " Castiel was out and out shouting now. "From him, or from us, it doesn't matter. You made your choices, and I forgave you for them a long time ago. But that doesn't mean you get to do this. You _don't_. So you can either shut up and…and pretend to be a decent brother for once, or you can get out and not ever come back." Tears sliding down his cheeks now, and Castiel didn't bother wiping them away, didn't even stop glaring when Gabriel crept close enough to brush his arm soothingly.

Michael's jaw was clenched. "You can't just expect me to…" he waved a hand at them. "…to be okay with this. To let it go on."

Castiel snorted. "I stopped expecting anything from you a very long time ago. Unless you plan on arresting us, your thoughts on the matter really don't concern me."

All of a sudden, Michael appeared very old to him. There were lines on his face Castiel hadn’t noticed upon that first revelation, and deep pockets under those fierce eyes. His hair, both on top of his head and the unshaved stubble, was dark, as dark as Castiel's once upon a time, but threaded through with silver now, even though he was only in his early forties himself. He was tall, almost as tall as Sam Winchester, but hunched as though he'd been carrying the weight of the world for a very long time.

When Castiel spoke again, his voice was marginally softer. "I'm sorry if you don't approve of our choices. I'm truly sorry for whatever guilt you've been carrying all these years." A flinch, barely perceptible, told him how hard his words hit. "More than anything, I'm sorry we lost hold of whatever bonds once made us family. But Michael, you won't change this. I would welcome the chance to get to know you again, because I have missed you, and Gabriel has too, though he's too stubborn to say so. But I'm my own person now, quite old enough to know my own mind, and you _will not_ change this. Do you understand?"

Michael stared at him, at _them_ , for a long time. "I shouldn't have come," he finally said, turning away. He was already halfway out the door before Castiel was able to unfreeze himself enough to go after him.

"Michael, wait," he said, and their roles were reversed now, Castiel's hand wrapped around Michael's wrist, Michael's eyes filled with an old fear as he stared down at it. Castiel let go as abruptly as if Michael's skin had burned him, but didn't move away. "I just… Michael, please. Wherever you go, try to find some measure of happiness. We…we deserve that, after everything, don't you think?"

Michael considered him, head tilted as his eyes roved over Castiel's face, and then he nodded abruptly. "You turned into a good man, Castiel. I'm glad." He took a breath, looking to Gabriel over Castiel's shoulder. "I won't come again. But I won't cause trouble for you, either. You have my word."

And just as abruptly as he'd appeared, he was gone from their lives all over again. The only thing Castiel could be grateful for was that at least this time, he'd gotten to say some sort of goodbye. He wrapped his arms around himself as he softly closed the door again and turned to face Gabriel.

When Gabriel crumpled, Castiel was there to comfort him the same way he'd once comforted a distraught nine-year-old Castiel.

~

It was Castiel, though, who was woken by nightmares in the middle of the night. Terror choked him in ways it hadn't done in a very long time, and he lay gasping and sobbing into his pillow until Gabriel's arm came around him and his brother snuggled in close.

"Shh, it's okay, Cas. You're okay. Father isn't here, he can't hurt you anymore."

Castiel clung to him, shaking with the force of his sobs, memories he'd suppressed for so long pressing in hard and deep.

"I'm sorry," Gabriel whispered. "I knew he'd come someday, and I'm so sorry I didn't tell you."

Castiel whimpered, clinging tighter. When his tears finally began to taper off and he thought he could make his voice work, he spoke into Gabriel's shoulder. "When you left, after Dean gave you the new identity…"

"I knew if I took it, eventually he'd wonder why I did. I knew he'd been keeping cursory tabs on us for years, making sure we were okay, or alive at least. Eventually he'd find out, and he'd come." Gabriel sighed. "I'm honestly surprised it took as long as it did."

"So, that whole time, you were…coming to terms with that. With him knowing. And…you still came back to me?" It seemed impossible, somehow.

Gabriel kissed him, soft and sweet. "It was you and me, Cas. It's always been you and me. You're the only family who matters to me anymore."

Feeling broken open in so many ways, Castiel could only kiss him, and hold him close, and love him as well as he knew how. And when they finally fell asleep again, they fell asleep curled close, with Gabriel's hand resting over Castiel's heart.

The nightmares didn't intrude again.

~

**2031**

Years passed after that. Two whole decades' worth, and they were filled with more joy than Castiel sometimes knew how to handle. He had so much to be grateful for, so many blessings he'd been granted. A job he loved, a place he belongs, friends he could count on through anything, the music he never dared take for granted…

And Gabriel. The light of his life, and he didn't care how clichéd it was, it was _true_. Gabriel, who meant the world to him, who'd in so many ways given him this life and everything in it. Who believed in him, even when Castiel didn't always believe in himself.

They grew during those years. They grew as separate people, but more than that, they grew together. Their relationship thrived.

They played, and they fought, and they reconciled, and they made love. They completed each other, in all the ways that meant anything. They lived their lives as fully as they knew how, because Gabriel would allow nothing less.

By the time the news came, it was too late for anything but being grateful they'd had that time, and that they'd managed use every bit of it as well as they had.

~

**Now**

He plays the song perfectly, there in the sun room with the ghost of Gabriel at his back and the ache of his passing new all over again.

Castiel plays it perfectly, for the first time, and he can feel the cool press of Gabriel's lips against his brow as his brother whispers, _Of course you did, I knew you had it in you._

"Gabriel," he says, and the name breaks on a sob. "Gabriel, I can't do this anymore."

 _Shh_ , Gabriel soothes. _Not much longer, little brother. I promise._

So Castiel takes a steadying breath, and he stands on legs that can barely support him, and he makes his way through the house. Puts a simple supper together and forces himself to eat, then cleans up the kitchen and goes outside to sit on his porch the way he always does. Waves hello to the young Winchester boys across the street, who are trouble through and through, but who've been an invaluable help to him in the years Gabriel has been gone. Their grandfather, he knows, will be around later to check up on him while trying to make it seem like that's not what he's doing.

The outside seems too cheerful for his mood, though, so eventually he stands on tired legs and makes his way back inside and into the sun room. He doesn't try to play again, feeling far too old and too weary to dredge up the wherewithal for that. Instead, he lies down on the big couch and closes his eyes, intending to take a short nap, just a small rest…

_Castiel._

Minutes or hours later. The sun long gone, the room cold, and everything so dark, so unfocused. He wants to curl up and hide from the impossible task of trying to move, but –

_Cas. C'mon, Cas._

– he can't, because someone is calling to him. The same someone who always speaks to him, but it's closer now, as if he could reach out and touch…

_Open your eyes._

Listening to that voice is hard-wired into his brain. Even though he knows it'll hurt, because it always hurts when he looks but doesn't see. He opens his eyes.

And Gabriel smiles down at him. "Took you long enough, you stubborn brat." He holds out a hand. "Ready to blow this popsicle stand?"

Castiel's breath catches. His hand – unlined, unwrinkled, and pain-free – trembles as he reaches out. A sob breaks from his chest when it closes around Gabriel's, solid and warm and _there_. "You're here," he says. And then realizes, "You never left.". The words come out as a croak.

"Well, I promised, didn't I?" Gabriel's eyes sparkle. "Ready for our next adventure, little brother?"

"Yes," Castiel breathes as he stands, already reaching for Gabriel, desperate to hold him because it's been _so long_. "Please."


End file.
